I've read many
articles about those who come out of divorce or long-term relationships. Most
of these articles give the advice to wait before jumping into another
relationship, because of the need to grieve the previous one. For marriages,
the advice was to wait two years before dating, especially if married a long
time.
For a long time,
I have seen how this would be valid. Then, for some reason, I got it into my
mind that everyone is different and can come out of a horrible marriage ready
for a fresh start…immediately. It
simply isn't true. EVERYONE needs time to grieve, mourn, and recover, finding
themselves again before bringing another person into theirs and (possibly)
their children's lives. I see it over and over – people come out of a
relationship and before the ink is dry on the divorce papers (or that break-up
conversation is still ringing loudly) they are already involved with someone
else.
I was just
listening to Wally on the morning show and he was taking calls from people who
are having a hard time loving someone (Can I get a witness???). He told one
lady his pastor said "hurt people hurt people." Do you see it? People
who are hurting will hurt someone else. This is precisely the reason those
articles say to wait two years after coming out of a marriage to start another
relationship. If you are still hurting from that broken relationship, you are
not going to be able to have a healthy relationship.
I met someone
recently who had just gone through a divorce. She said she cannot date right
now because she hates all men, and they remind her of the pain she went through
with her ex-husband. I think it is absolutely okay to feel that way, and like
the fact that she acknowledges how she feels rather than shoving it down and
piling stuff on top to hide it and not deal with it. I believe, with time, that
anger will fade and she will move on and find someone. But it will take TIME.
I believe people
who jump from marriage into another relationship, or from relationship to
relationship, are afraid to be alone, are insecure, or need that replacement
relationship (even if they will ultimately ruin it). The fear of actually
having to be alone with themselves is so overwhelming. Maybe these relationship
jumpers are afraid of who they are deep inside?
I go to movies
by myself and can be by myself without hearing from anyone, because generally,
I like who I am and am not afraid to be alone. I’m not perfect and I make
mistakes. I learn from them, even if I do have to repeat the lesson sometimes.
The caveat for me is that I am not willing to settle. The man who comes into my
life must understand I am independent and not someone (or thing) to be
controlled. I am a package deal, and come with a child. He MUST be a
God-fearing man, complete with an understanding of how a Christian marriage
works according to Ephesians. If he is the right man, the Ephesians example of
marriage will not be an issue and God will bless the union.
I wish more
people would not settle with the relationships in their lives. Men and women
both… for some reason known only to them, they accept the man or woman in their
life along with the horrible treatment.
The new rule? I
won’t date anyone who has been divorced for less than a year, minimum. Two
years is ideal, but it does depend on the person and the current relationship
with his ex.
The point is,
take your time when entering a new relationship. Don't rush to give yourself
away. Someone who pushes for that level of commitment too early is only interested
in self-satisfaction, and will not truly care about you as a person.
***DISCLAIMER:
Maybe you are asking yourself, “What qualifies her to say these things?” Well,
I do not have a counseling or psychology degree, and like I’ve said before, ALL
of the things are my opinions which you, dear reader, are welcome to disregard
should you feel the need. I base my opinions on life experience, things I read
and the experts I do talk to. I am not an expert, but I am smart and I know
people. You don’t need a degree for that.
