Time...and a New Rule

I've read many articles about those who come out of divorce or long-term relationships. Most of these articles give the advice to wait before jumping into another relationship, because of the need to grieve the previous one. For marriages, the advice was to wait two years before dating, especially if married a long time.

For a long time, I have seen how this would be valid. Then, for some reason, I got it into my mind that everyone is different and can come out of a horrible marriage ready for a fresh start…immediately. It simply isn't true. EVERYONE needs time to grieve, mourn, and recover, finding themselves again before bringing another person into theirs and (possibly) their children's lives. I see it over and over – people come out of a relationship and before the ink is dry on the divorce papers (or that break-up conversation is still ringing loudly) they are already involved with someone else.

I was just listening to Wally on the morning show and he was taking calls from people who are having a hard time loving someone (Can I get a witness???). He told one lady his pastor said "hurt people hurt people." Do you see it? People who are hurting will hurt someone else. This is precisely the reason those articles say to wait two years after coming out of a marriage to start another relationship. If you are still hurting from that broken relationship, you are not going to be able to have a healthy relationship.

I met someone recently who had just gone through a divorce. She said she cannot date right now because she hates all men, and they remind her of the pain she went through with her ex-husband. I think it is absolutely okay to feel that way, and like the fact that she acknowledges how she feels rather than shoving it down and piling stuff on top to hide it and not deal with it. I believe, with time, that anger will fade and she will move on and find someone. But it will take TIME.

I believe people who jump from marriage into another relationship, or from relationship to relationship, are afraid to be alone, are insecure, or need that replacement relationship (even if they will ultimately ruin it). The fear of actually having to be alone with themselves is so overwhelming. Maybe these relationship jumpers are afraid of who they are deep inside?

I go to movies by myself and can be by myself without hearing from anyone, because generally, I like who I am and am not afraid to be alone. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. I learn from them, even if I do have to repeat the lesson sometimes. The caveat for me is that I am not willing to settle. The man who comes into my life must understand I am independent and not someone (or thing) to be controlled. I am a package deal, and come with a child. He MUST be a God-fearing man, complete with an understanding of how a Christian marriage works according to Ephesians. If he is the right man, the Ephesians example of marriage will not be an issue and God will bless the union.

I wish more people would not settle with the relationships in their lives. Men and women both… for some reason known only to them, they accept the man or woman in their life along with the horrible treatment.

The new rule? I won’t date anyone who has been divorced for less than a year, minimum. Two years is ideal, but it does depend on the person and the current relationship with his ex.

 

 

The point is, take your time when entering a new relationship. Don't rush to give yourself away. Someone who pushes for that level of commitment too early is only interested in self-satisfaction, and will not truly care about you as a person.

 

***DISCLAIMER: Maybe you are asking yourself, “What qualifies her to say these things?” Well, I do not have a counseling or psychology degree, and like I’ve said before, ALL of the things are my opinions which you, dear reader, are welcome to disregard should you feel the need. I base my opinions on life experience, things I read and the experts I do talk to. I am not an expert, but I am smart and I know people. You don’t need a degree for that.