Being Picky

I found this online… time to get real!

"How picky can someone be when dating?

Healthy Picky:
You’re careful about who you get involved with, taking things slowly in the beginning, not moving into the bedroom too quickly, and remaining on guard for a couple months or so until you have a sense of who this new person really is. In between relationships, you take some time off and reflect on why the last relationship didn’t work, and after a while you resolve those issues and begin a fresh relationship with someone new.

Extremely Picky:
Deep down, you want to be with someone but can’t seem to find the right fit. You spend more time being single than in relationships, and you have a habit of finding a range of faults in prospective dates. You sometimes focus on little things which end up causing the demise of the relationship, and you tell yourself you have a hard time meeting the right one for you because you’re just so…picky.

The Fear Factor:
It goes without saying that it’s not so great if you fall into the extremely picky camp. What’s underneath unhealthy pickiness? What causes someone to be so picky and overly discerning? In one word: Fear. Extreme pickiness is a giant blob of defense mechanisms with an underlying fear of a real long-term romantic relationship. Underneath it all, people who are extremely picky are afraid to depend on someone for fear of getting hurt. They’re often afraid of being seen for who they really are or having someone they date see flaws or weaknesses in them.

If you are someone who is extremely picky, it means that you (unconsciously) work hard to find faults with prospective partners as a means of self-protection. It makes sense, too, in a twisted kind of way: If you find enough faults to decide so-and-so is not the right match for you, eventually you can put off everyone and will never have to actually face the stress of a long-term relationship. Why? Because you’ll always manage to push all the prospective partners away!"

-Eharmony.com

I seem to fall into the ‘extremely picky’ category. It isn’t that I am looking for faults so I can continue to be alone; for me it is more about the fear of getting hurt. I have been absolutely crushed by men in my past. Lately I have been trying to be more open, but I apparently keep finding the same kind of man. 

Different faces different names, but they are literally the same person over and over.

I guess I haven’t learned my lesson well enough, even though I did learn something – good and bad – from each of the men who have been in my life. What I learned is what I do and do not want in behaviors and attitudes and beliefs. What are those things, you might ask? I won’t go into a lot of detail, but some of the main points are:

Controlling – like, trying to control what I do, when/what I eat, how I dress, etc. Seriously? I'm a grown woman. Just stop. 

Vulgar – I don’t even know why men think this is attractive. It’s not – vulgarity is one of the most unattractive things a man can do or be. When you talk to a lady, you might want to consider talking to her with the same respect you would give your mother. 

Faithfulness – cheating is just a no go.

The things I have appreciated about most of these men is that, with the exception of one in particular, they like me just the way I am. I don’t have to transform into Barbie doll perfection, or wear a size 0. 

I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, or try to fake who I am in order to ‘land’ someone. 

Obviously, with my single status, I have yet to ‘land’ the right one, but at least I’m learning more and more – about me and what I really want in my life partner. 

It seems the most difficult trait to find in a man (for me) is his faith. Rather, the fact that he lacks faith in God. It is very important to me to be “equally yoked” and I really don’t want to guide someone to God when the Bible is pretty clear on how the faith relationship works in a marriage.  

Dating, for me, is about being marriage minded, and not using people for personal or physical gratification. Sure, it’s fun to flirt, but if a relationship is not headed in the right direction, it is time to end it. 

I also see no reason to revisit those ended relationships unless God opens that door again and gives me peace about it. 

God has not reopened any doors, and I don't see that He ever would. Typically I only need to learn a lesson from said relationship, whatever that length of time that relationship entailed. 

I've seen miraculous things happen - times when I really thought I should have died, or God just literally working miracles in the lives around me. God has worked some major miracles in my life too - "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed.... you can move mountains" Matthew 17:20.

Sometimes it seems like it really will take a miracle to meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I have faith though. Even with me, as someone who has been single for so long, God can bring the right man into my life. See, I don’t ‘need’ a man to complete my life, as I am self-sufficient and happy with who I am. I don’t ‘need’ someone to depend on. It is the mere fact that I want someone in my life, to share my life and share his, the ups and downs - THAT will take a miracle on God’s part to make happen.

Thank goodness nothing is too difficult for God – even me. I mean, He did create me, after all.

Jeremiah 32:17(NASB)

17 ‘Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You, 

*I do not endorse eharmony, or belong to them. 

Conflicted

Merriam-Webster defines ‘conflicted’ as:

experiencing or marked by ambivalence or a conflict especially of emotions <conflicted feelings>

When I am in conflict with myself, emotionally and spiritually, I find myself in the worst possible place. I am not at peace, and I literally make myself physically ill. More often than not, I take too long to see the forest for the trees.

A couple of days ago when I was severely conflicted with something I was going through, I wrote this:

In the place where I am
I don't see hope.
I don't see light.
I see only darkness.
I see fear.
I see rejection.

As you can see, I was in a kind of a dark place. I don’t do that often, but it happens.

A dear friend of mine gave me some very good and sound advice, and I followed it, to the letter. He said to write down my worries one by one and be as specific as possible when I write them down. Then I needed to break them down and do a critical root-cause analysis on each one to find out where the real concerns are and where they are coming from.

Once I identified the most basic atom of the issue, I needed to turn that over to God and allow Him to direct me from there. My friend also said that when I broke it all down and saw how tiny that problem really was and turned it over to God... because God can do massive things. And that tiny little problem didn’t seem to be so big after all.

I found it interesting as I wrote down my worries and concerns, that the things I thought I was most concerned about were not the things at the front of my mind. My real concerns, the cause of the anxiety, are the hidden things, some long-standing issues within. I’ve still got some more work to do to break these down and get through them, but at least I’m getting somewhere.

I think this thing I was going through was to confirm something to me – I AM enough.

Jeremiah 32:17 (NASB)

¹⁷ ‘Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You,

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This Reflection of Mine

The hardest part of all of this is the wait.

Waiting on God to answer.

Waiting to see what God is really trying to tell me. 

Waiting just to wait.

Seems so pointless sometimes, all of this waiting. I could go out and do exactly what I want without worrying about the consequences. . Except, that ends up making things a whole lot worse.

And then I’m right back at the beginning, waiting to let my broken heart heal once again.

I find it interesting, as you go about your day and meet people, or people are introduced into your life in some way. I’ve always had this romantic side, when I dreamed I would meet the man who would become my husband in various situations – at the grocery store where I ask him to reach something on a top shelf, a department store looking for a particular item, getting a flat tire and he’s the one who pulled over to assist. (I did have a chance ‘something’ at a store about a year ago. While walking in, this handsome man was getting off his motorcycle and our eyes met. My heart thumped, I managed a smile and walked into the store. He followed and said hello. I replied, and kept walking. I wonder now.. what if I had stayed to chat for a minute??)

What do all of those have in common (except for motorcycle guy)? Damsel in distress... and I realize, I don’t need rescuing. I never have. There have been moments in my life where friends have helped me out, but it’s never been about rescue. I’ve never been the weak one who can’t survive without someone in my life. I’ve actually been doing pretty well with that for the last 20 years or so.  

There comes a point, though, when you just want to share your life with someone.

You know what the cool part of meeting someone at my age is? Retirement is not that far away! The toil and burn of daily life is nearly over. Working for someone else – ugh.

Another awesome fact is that he’s most likely got his act together – at least, I hope so. He may or may not have kids, and most single men my age have been divorced at least once. That is an unfortunate fact these days, but it is what it is. I think most of the men my age who are divorced are looking to move forward in their lives, and let their past not define them, but allow it to mold them into something better than they were.

Something just struck me – when I was younger and Active Duty, most of my friends were male. I was in a (at that time) male dominated career field and the few females I did know were pretty great. 

I now have several close female friends, but I am missing something. I am missing my best friend here on earth. I know he’s out in this world somewhere. God is working on him, just like He’s working on me.

My prayer is, that he finds me one day soon. There is a lot of life to live, and I don’t want to waste one minute of it!

One last thought - I always remember this - I am loved. Deeply. My Heavenly Father, my Creator, He made me just the way I am and He also made my other half. He loves us both, and will bring us together one day.