Don’t Be So… “Nice”

I may have mentioned this before, but I have Celiac Disease, which means I have a severe allergy to wheat/barley/rye and all by-products of these grains.

I was on a first date with a guy – not a tenth wedding anniversary or even a 1 year dating anniversary – but a first date. He started off by telling me he would order my meal for me, which I politely declined. I’m not a child, and I have severe food allergies. Ordering my meal is a disaster waiting to happen. On a second date with this same guy, I had just commented how I would like to try the Kendall-Jackson Reisling (white wine). Our server comes over and he says “she will have red wine.” Say what???? Contrast to a first date with a different guy who says “order whatever you want.” Ah, now that’s more like it... In the grand scheme of things, it is a nice gesture, but you might want to wait until you know the lady before ordering her meal. Or her drink…  Or better yet, try listening a little closer.

Ladies – this goes for you too. Don’t assume the guy wants that giant steak or that he is a vegan like you. Let him order what he wants. If I’m out with someone and unsure of what he wants to drink, I at least order a water and ask the server to return if he isn’t at the table already.  

This article I found describes the things we ladies really don’t like for you gentlemen to do, even if you think you are being really nice. Most are pretty on target. I’ve already talked about one of them – ordering food for the lady. Really guys, don’t do this unless you KNOW her, know her tastes, or she has said she wants something specifically.

Nicknames – oh, I can’t stand nicknames. Or “Hey Girl.” I think that one annoys me more than anything else. Like, you don’t remember my name cause you have so many ‘girls’ in your life? ‘Hey girl’ is a generic term and ‘girl’ is a term used for the females much younger than me. Like, my niece’s ages (they are all under 10 yrs old). If you think you are being funny or cute by repeatedly calling me ‘girl’, let me assure you of this: you aren’t.

Ladies – if you don’t want a nickname, don’t give him one.

Social media… did you know that Facebook messages and posts have been used in divorce, custody and other court cases? I don’t overshare, except for my political leanings and Denver Broncos love J Those people who ‘overshare’ about their relationships drive me insane. I mean, I’m happy you found someone, but for real? I don’t need your happiness slammed in my face 24/7, which is why I ‘unfollow’ those people now. I still like them and am genuinely happy they have found someone, but can’t stand the constant stream of ick. This goes for some guy being icky about a new relationship as well… just don’t do it.

Ladies – typically we are the guilty party of oversharing, so just watch what you are doing. Do you really want to offend all of your single female friends because you have found a new man? And seriously, if it doesn’t work out, how much crow will you have to eat over the masses of ick posts?

Flowers… I LOVE flowers. I buy myself flowers. I do NOT buy myself long stemmed red roses… cause they are basically cheesy (no, I don’t watch those Bachelor shows and yes, the roses are cheesy).  Wildflowers, tulips, lilies and so on… those are wonderful. Don’t go for the long stemmed red rose (and for goodness sake, if you are out and you run across one of those people selling long stemmed red roses from a cart, DO NOT get one for the lady you want to impress).

Ladies – I don’t know what to tell you here… don’t do the cheesy guy gift, like a tie or something because it seems like the long stemmed red rose – not a whole lot of thought went into it.

There are a few others, but inappropriate to talk about in this lane, since I’m not married.

I’ve met a few people who think it is funny to tell crass jokes. For instance, someone I had just met started telling me jokes about sex. I looked at him and told him I have to hear a lot of that stuff at work and I don’t want to hear it, especially from someone who professes to be a Christian. He told me that “sex is a part of life.” I was shocked that my views were so callously dismissed.  It was as if I wasn’t allowed an opinion on the subject. I do agree that sex is a part of life, but I think it needs to stay between a husband and a wife, within the covenant of marriage. I know, I mentioned this in blog or two ago, but I just want to reiterate to everyone that if someone is offended by something you are saying (especially if you profess to be a Christian), you might want to think about what you are saying rather than blowing it off.

I don’t have a problem with someone opening my door (car or building) for me, having me walk on the inside of the sidewalk or other typical gentlemanly things, but there is a line you can cross that makes it more annoying than gentlemanly.

All I’m saying is… watch how ‘nice’ you are and don’t overstep (hey ladies, this can go for you too!!)

Women's Lib, Weak Men and Marriage

Women’s liberation started as far back at 1792 with Mary Wollstonecraft, who published A Vindication of the Rights of Women in which she advocated for the "social and moral equality of sexes. In 1848, the seventy year fight for the women’s right to vote began. The Nineteenth Amendment, which gave women the right to vote, was ratified in 1920. This fight for equality was later termed the “first-wave of feminism”. The “second-wave” began in the early 1960’s and ran through the late 1980’s. In this wave, women strived to reach a further sense of equality with men and to allow women to have a greater control over their body and the protection from physical abuse (Nancy Sink, Women's Liberation Movement, December 2008).

Women’s Liberation is good – in some ways. In others, it has set humanity, relationships and women back several hundred years. WHAT?!?!? No, I’m not crazy, nor am I disagreeing with the good the movement has done for women over the last 100 years. Because of the Women’s Liberation movement, I can provide for my child without resorting to welfare or illegal work. I can do this on my own without having to ‘depend’ on a man to provide for us. If the movement had not existed when I became pregnant, we might have both starved to death, or worse. I believe this movement and the women who paved the way for us today should be commended for their actions, because I am able to earn my own money, purchase a house or car on my own, go to school to become whatever I want and I can marry whoever I want.

I think the Women’s Liberation movement has had some terrible consequences from their initial good intentions. Over 56 million babies have been aborted since 1973 when Roe v. Wade became law.

 

 

Independent women trample over the men in their lives, because these women will not be ‘subject’ to men. Women complain about the lack of strong men to date or marry, but what they don’t realize is this: the women’s liberation movement has made boys grow into weak men who have been labeled chauvinist if they do anything formerly known as gentlemanly – hold a door open, pull a lady’s chair out for her, hold her coat, etc.

 

Where am I going with this? Hang on a few minutes more, I’m getting there.

I am a strong woman who has lived on my own for a long time. I have a decent job and I provide for my son by myself. I own a business. I teach my son to do his laundry, cook and clean. I also teach him to shoot, open doors for women, have manners and to be strong. He is allowed to have emotional responses and he talks to me about why he is upset. He is not allowed to use emotion to manipulate a response from me, nor is he allowed to be gender-neutral, as he is a BOY, as God made him. He is taught to treat women with respect (and men too).

What the men I’ve met do not understand is this: they see one side of me when they first meet me. On a second date with someone, I was told I needed to ‘act in distress’ so that I could be rescued. Say what? I’m on a second date with someone I basically don’t know and he’s trying to get me to change who I am?? No good, dude. I don’t even know you. Why in the world would I show you my weaknesses when I don’t know you? So you can use them against me? Not going to happen, buddy.

What this guy – and many others – don’t realize, is that under my strong exterior lies a woman who wants the Biblical example of marriage. The one where the husband is the head of the house, but he answers to God. And he lives a sacrificial life, because it is demanded of him, that he should “love his wife like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).  And a marriage where I would be subject to my husband and show respect him, because that is how God designed the marriage relationship between a man and a woman.

1 Corinthians 11 (NASB)

³ But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ

Ephesians 5:22-33 (NASB)

²² Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. ²⁴ But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶ so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. ²⁸ So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body. ³¹ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. ³² This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

The Women’s Liberation movement has tried to destroy this Biblical marriage ideal, by saying women should not be ‘subject’ to anyone. What they fail to understand is this: under a true Biblical marriage covenant, women are not the subject/slave/minion to their ruler, the husband. The biblical marriage is a partnership between two people who put their respective relationships with Christ first, then each other. Christ puts the husband in charge in the home, with the wife as the helper. This doesn’t mean she works all day then comes home to cook dinner, clean house, do laundry, help kids with homework and so on  while the husband snoozes on the couch in front of the TV. It is a partnership – work is divided where the strengths are. Take me, for instance. It’s getting to the point where I am going to soon be unable to help my son with his math homework. I nearly flunked 4^th grade myself because I couldn’t figure out fractions (NOW I can do them in my head – it’s that numbers and letters together mess someone invented that confuses me completely). So, he gets a tutor if he doesn’t understand it. Cause I won’t be able to help him. I’m really good with writing, so I can help him with that sort of thing. My problem will be to avoid taking over his writing projects and doing them for him. Self-control… getting better all of the time!

It basically comes down to this – if a man would take the time to get to know me, and get past the strong/tough exterior instead of running away, he might just discover that inside, there is a weakness that needs balance, a damsel in distress, a princess who needs her prince.

Oh Standards...

Once again, I have been told I need to “lower my standards” or I will never find someone. My answer this time was this:

“If I lower my standards, I will never find God’s best for me. And my standards are God’s standards, not mine. I don’t want what the world thinks is best for me, I want God’s best for me.”

My standards are not ridiculous - they are based on character, morals,values and most importantly, spiritual life. I'm not sure how lowering those standards would benefit me in any way.

If I went for the world’s standards of finding a mate, I would look for someone who has great looks, lots of money and a big house with loads of expensive ‘stuff.’  I only have one thing to say to that:

Matthew 6:19-21 (NASB)

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; ²¹ for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

 

I think the person who fits the world standard would also be lacking in morals and values, and be fixated on the wrong things in a relationship. I had a conversation with someone recently who kept making references to sex (I had only just met this particular person). When I explained my feelings on the subject of sex, I was told that “sex is a part of life.” I agree with that, except that sex should be discussed openly and freely, and perhaps even jokingly, within the marriage covenant. Not thinly veiled ‘wink, wink’ jokes with someone you just met.

As an aside, there is nothing that is more of a turn-off than some guy you just met making jokes that are offensive, and then he basically tells you to get over it (without actually saying it). Cause really, why would I want to introduce someone like that to my friends and family? I would be worried sick over what he would say and most likely completely humiliated.  

A few weeks ago I was talking to another friend who told me to ‘never settle’ and while I know I never will, having someone say it makes much more of an impact. I like this illustration:

There are eagles, and there are chickens. The chickens will sometimes dress fancy, wear baubles and color on their faces, but underneath, they are still a chicken. The eagles do not have to decorate themselves to garner attention – it is drawn naturally.

There is a group of people out there who do not know how to treat the eagles. Much of the awkward and inappropriate behavior comes from being around chickens their whole lives, and the level of expectation is so low that they cannot break free from the disrespectful and inappropriate behavior to find an eagle.

I think there is also a level of immaturity that goes along with this behavior, as well as some control issues. When a person acts a certain way, especially around someone they just met (and professed to want to impress), it is obvious the behavior is ingrained and won’t change overnight. I do not have time to wait on someone who does not understand how atrocious their behavior truly is. Some small bit of good does not outweigh blatant disrespect.

My thing is this; I don’t want some guy telling jokes about sex or making inappropriate comments to my child. I don’t want some guy teaching my child that this is okay behavior, then my child being miserable because the women he meets are not quality – and it is because he is not quality as well, having learned this from a role model. I don’t want my child to see me treated in a lesser manner.

I am a Daughter of the King and I should be treated like a Queen, not the court jester.   

1 Corinthians 15:32-34 (NASB)

³² If from human motives I fought with wild beasts at Ephesus, what does it profit me? If the dead are not raised, let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die. ³³ Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” ³⁴ Become sober-minded as you ought, and stop sinning; for some have no knowledge of God. I speak this to your shame.

 

 

Lift Me Up

John 11:35 (NASB)

³⁵ Jesus wept.

Last week I heard some devastating news from home. I don’t recall too much about the man, except that he was always smiling. What a legacy, to be thought of as eternally happy! The accident that claimed this young man’s life has left a community and more importantly, a close friend, devastated. I have lost friends in my lifetime, best friends. The pain of this loss stays with you. It fades, eventually, but then you hear a song, or a voice and you turn your head and it isn’t them and it is all fresh again. I haven’t walked in this friend’s shoes, but I know how loss and more importantly, sorrow feels.

Dr. O.S. Hawkins said (http://www.faithgateway.com/jesus-weeps-over-our-sorrows/):

“Tears touch the heart of our God. Mary’s heart was broken. Her brother was dead, and it seemed Jesus had arrived too late. She held no hope. She was hurting. She was weeping with deep sobs and wails. She was pouring out her soul to the Lord. When Jesus saw her, He wept with her. This great God is touched by our own hurts and broken hearts.

Tears speak much louder than words. They need no interpreter. The psalmist says that God keeps our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). If you need God’s attention, try tears.

It is okay to cry.

The last time tears are mentioned in the Bible is in Revelation 21:4. It reveals a beautiful scene in heaven: “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” This is our hope. He is preserving all our tears in a bottle, and one day He will wipe them all away. King David said it best: “For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

Meditate on the fact that we have a Lord who is not far off and removed. He is very near. He is the One who is touched by our broken hearts and weeps with us.”

God is close in times of sorrow. He holds our hands, and sometimes even holds us on His lap, allowing us to weep with the pain flowing freely. Screaming, crying, wailing… not understanding. Not understanding is okay. Not knowing why things happen the way they do is okay. What if the reason is never known, until you stand before your Creator? People touch lives in life and in death. Sometimes, it is the way we recover and how we LIVE after a terrible loss that shows the grace of God.

The only way to heal… the only way, is to allow God in. Little by little, moment by moment, until it doesn’t hurt so bad, until you can draw a breath without feeling like breathing out will shatter the world you now live in.

The Afters, Lift Me Up, for Adam. Praying for you.