The Mirror, Reversed

 Being heartbroken over this single situation really hurts. It mostly hurts because I know my child has never known what it means to have a father. While that isn’t my primary goal in a relationship, it is one of the factors that I look for, the guy who would be willing to take on that role.

The number one thing I look for is how he came to me…  I know, without a doubt, that the man who will join me on this journey called life will come looking for me through God. Any other way is false and not healthy.

He will be more interested in being my best friend, the one I can count on above all others, than he will in my physical appearance, at least initially. He will want to talk to me about everything and nothing. He will want to be silly, weird, and serious with me. He will want to flirt with me, and he will want to treat me like a lady, not a piece of meat. He will also respect my boundaries.

And he will be the calm to my storm. 

He won’t be scared of me and my alpha type personality. He will be that guy who introduces rationale in my world when I don’t see it. And he will be the one who can make me laugh when all I feel like doing is crying.

He will understand that the alpha woman in me needs an alpha male to balance me out. He will challenge me to become better. He will understand that I have goals and he will support me in them.

He will text me good morning, and want to hear my voice before he goes to bed at night. He will pray for me, as I will for him.

As a matter of fact, he would be praying for me right now, that I am the woman God wants for him.

He will pray that I will stay faithful to my beliefs, that I won’t stray from where God is taking me. He will be praying that he will know me as soon as he sees me, recognizing the other half of him, what he has been missing.

He will love me exactly for who I am, and not try to change me. But he will grow with me too. 

Face in the Mirror

I’ve not written in months – I know. I keep saying that. There is a lot going on internally and so I am just trying to keep it all together and process.

Do you ever feel like God has just abandoned you? It’s felt that way in my life for a while, especially when it comes to any potential relationships. When you pray and you pray, but are only getting the desert. When you’ve asked God to bring him to you, but He doesn’t. I know, timing is everything and God’s timing is perfect. There is this overwhelming desire to be a part of someone’s life, to finally be that priority, and it just isn’t fulfilled the way I think it should be.

And honestly, it just gets so boring, being alone all the time, and it certainly gets lonely.

When you get lonely, when you let your guard down, do you realize what happens? People come into your life. These people may not have the best intentions for you, and frankly, just want to use you. They start out all innocent, but end up being the wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I firmly and 100% believe (know) this is the devil trying to make us stray from the amazing life that God is leading us (me) to. Wherever God is leading, that is so much better than the distraction the devil is attempting to lead us (me) into. Me, really, I should say me. Because that is honest.

I’ve seen this happen, mostly to me (repeatedly), because I think all of these great things and I am a dreamer and a romantic (or I just can’t learn a lesson the first time, so it has to be repeated. And repeated-anyone else have this same problem? Good, raise those hands, don’t leave me hanging!). I believe good wins out in the end – and it does, in the big scheme of things. But in my life, good doesn’t always win and I end up with a broken heart. Again.

For the first time, I’m taking steps to protect myself before that broken heart becomes a reality. It is honestly the weirdest thing – I’m recognizing what is happening before it actually happens. And I’m seeing God’s protection in this whole situation too. It is pretty amazing.

Overcoming yourself (myself) is one of the most difficult things to do. I’ve found I can overcome the obstacles of other people, because I can ignore them. However, it’s a little hard to ignore the face in the mirror in the mornings.