A Conversation

Last week I became involved in a conversation on Facebook with some twenty-something’s. The topic was a highly debated courtship vs dating, with people having very strong feelings on both sides of the subject.

The article starting the debate is here.

I’m in the middle of the road on this one. As an older single, I’m not worried about someone asking my dad for permission to date me or get to know me, especially since he’s in another state. I’m typically a good judge of character and I know what I want – plus I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve. I also have a child to think of, so I will not put him into a situation where bad things happen because I chose poorly or selfishly.

First, let’s discuss the article for a moment. I also read ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ (a million years ago) and had some problems with some of the ideas presented by the author. I think he had some really good intentions, but they were designed for hormonal teenagers with no self-control.

I never did speak to my grandmother about dating when she was younger, but I imagine it was something similar to the manner in which the author’s grandmother dated:

The One Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.

So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.

That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.

The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?

She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.

“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.

It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady (Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed, 2014).

I actually kind of like this idea, because I think the premise behind the idea is sound. Women get their hearts all bound up in one guy – who may or may not be the right guy – because they refuse to see anyone else. See, today, a woman who dates more than one man or who will not commit to one man right away is called a ‘slut’ or worse. I don’t think this is fair to women. And really, why would a real man want a woman with her heart in pieces?

Ladies, let me tell you something... you can tell yourself all day long that you will guard those precious hearts of yours while only seeing one man –whether courtship or dating – but you will not be able to withstand falling just a little bit in love with him.

What if you were in love… with love? And not the person you have committed yourself to? What kind of disastrous union would you be a part of?

Men, I have to tell you something too. You cannot rescue a woman, either from herself or her family or her situation, and have it turn out okay. It. Will. Not. Be. Okay.  If a woman is in a bad place, she has to work her way out of it, to be whole.

Ladies, same thing… you cannot rescue a man from his situation.

Back to the courtship vs dating thing now.

So, what should you do? Court or date? Personally, I am not going to commit myself to some guy I’ve just met with the pretense that we are working towards marriage. Now, on the flip side of that, I will go out with a guy I’ve just met with the understanding that I am getting to know him and finding out what makes him tick. 

And to see if he is marriage/father material.

For instance, the guy I went out with earlier this year – we went out twice. Initial date was good.. I thought he was somewhat strange but chalked it up to growing up in different cultures. As the conversations went on, the differences became more pronounced… like, he thought sex was a part of normal, everyday life and that I should get on board with this idea. Or the fact that he was visibly upset that I would not feed him dessert… on our second date. Or the problem I had with him telling a child a joke about sex. Yeah... that was interesting. Needless to say, I’m still single.

I want to have fun when I’m dating someone. During a courtship, it seems like things would be completely awkward, because you have this level of commitment already.

One thing that repeatedly came up without fail during this conversation was respect. Women want to be respected. Men want to be respected. You cannot have mutual respect if you refuse to listen to each other and understand that there are different opinions on the same subject – and that different opinions are okay. If we all think and act the same, this world would be really, really boring.  

Understand this – different opinions are ok. Show some respect and listen to the other person, even if you disagree. You will probably find that you learn something from them. No one person has the right answer for everyone else. What works for me won’t work for another person and vice versa.

Final authority comes from God – seek God first, and know that the best way to a man or a woman is through God. Don’t just talk the talk… make sure you are walkin the walk too! One of the final comments in the conversation pointed out that the idea of dating, courtship and marriage were almost idolized and the focus was removed from God. God and our relationship with Him is primary… marriage and dating relationships should do nothing but honor God.

Deuteronomy 4:28-30 (NASB)

²⁸ There you will serve gods, the work of man’s hands, wood and stone, which neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell. ²⁹ But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul. ³⁰ When you are in distress and all these things have come upon you, in the latter days you will return to the Lord your God and listen to His voice.

 

1 Chronicles 22:18-19 (NASB)

¹⁸ “Is not the Lord your God with you? And has He not given you rest on every side? For He has given the inhabitants of the land into my hand, and the land is subdued before the Lord and before His people. ¹⁹ Now set your heart and your soul to seek the Lord your God; arise, therefore, and build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord and the holy vessels of God into the house that is to be built for the name of the Lord.”

 

Galatians 1:9-11 (NASB)

⁹ As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed!

¹⁰ For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

¹¹ For I would have you know, brethren, that the gospel which was preached by me is not according to man.

 

Colossians 3:1-3 (NASB)

3 Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. ³ For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

My final response to what turned into a quasi-argument:

·         

Julie Boyatt I'm seeing something happening here... let me say something, coming from someone who is older than all of you (doesn't mean wiser!) You all know me in different degrees - and I love each one of you! I'm straight forward, and I will never lie to you or tell you something to make you just 'feel good.'

Men and Women are DIFFERENT. Each of us have different needs and different methods of getting our needs met. 

I am NOT talking about physical needs. As Christian singles, that should not be our primary focus. Young men, don't get bent out of shape thinking women aren't as physically needy as you.. cause we are. 

Women want to be cherished and adored and taken care of. By saying that, I do not mean that we are not capable of taking care of ourselves (prime example = me), but that we want to feel the man we end up with will lay his life down to protect us from harm. That INCLUDES our very fragile, feminine hearts that break when you ignore us... or say something in jest that was actually quite hurtful. Young men - if you want a young lady to pay attention to you, if you are SERIOUS about pursuing a particular woman, you have to do it HER WAY. If you can't handle what she is asking, then you probably should not pursue her. If she wants to be courted, then you court her. If she is okay with dating, then you respect her to your dying breath, because disrespect will get you dumped faster than anything 

Men want to feel like they can protect and take care of their family. They NEED to be the hero.. ladies, when you don't let him do the little things because you 'do it better' or 'faster,' you take this away from him. The man you will eventually marry should be the Head of the Household, by biblical standards. If you take this away from him, then you cannot have a happy marriage. Men need to be respected - which means don't say nasty things under your breath when you are mad, or talk down to him in front of his friends and/or family. Do not talk badly about him to your kids. RESPECT!!!

On another note... I do write a blog about dating as a Christian single.. come and visit! The Single Minefield on blogspot.. or just google it

August 15 at 11:20am · Edited · Like · 5

Women Behaving Badly

     

In the last few months, I have met several men who have been done very, very, very wrong by the women they were married to or in a relationship with.

I think women who behave so vindictively are awful and I don’t understand even one little bit as to why they behave the way they do. I know some people have mental problems, but seriously – you can’t blame everything on mental deficiencies.

Sometimes you just need to grow up.

Take responsibility for your own actions that got you to the place you are in.

STOP making your children suffer. Pay attention to them, be involved in their lives.

DO NOT make your children the go-between for you and your ex-spouse.

NEVER talk badly about your ex in front of or to your kids.

I met someone last night who started telling me his story about his ex (why, I don’t know. Apparently I radiate empathy). I feel badly for his child who is stuck in the middle, and probably will end up resenting her. I feel badly for the father who has to maintain balance and continutity for his child.

Another person I know has an ex with some serious problems. I gave him advice from my own experiences and told him he would regret it should he ever let her come back again. I told him he has to think of his children first and put their needs above his own. He does that already, but he has to do it in a manner that will not benefit the ex.

And yet another one has a crazy ex who tells lies and mistreated his child. Ugh.. so awful. I know the child in question and can’t understand why this type of thing would happen to such a sweet kid.

Things make a little more sense as to why men are gun-shy when it comes to asking women out. Will they meet the crazy ones who will be awful to their children? How about that stalker? OOHHH.. even better, the woman who wrongly accuses them of hitting or raping them?? Geez…. Will you crazy women stop making life so difficult for us normal women?!?!?!

It probably also would help if men (and women!!) wouldn’t introduce their kids to a dating partner really early in the relationship, especially if you aren’t sure you would really like the person. It makes for some hurting kiddos who don’t need more drama added to their worlds.

Fed-Up in Colorado

I think, if you have read any of my previous blogs, you may realize I don’t tolerate much misbehavior from men. Especially when it comes to playing games with women – specifically, with me.  In my opinion, this kind of behavior is unacceptable even with men who are just friends… and quite honestly, when they claim the name of Christ, this shouldn’t even be a problem, but it seems to be.

I’ve dealt with this previously with an individual (professed Christian) who was interested in me and then he decided to get ugly when I made it clear I did not return the sentiment. He would make fun of me – and get ugly and personal with it – to the point that others were noticing and wondering why he was acting in that manner. My attention span and patience with someone who behaves in this way is pretty short. There most likely is not a second chance because of this type of behavior and an obvious immaturity.

I got an email yesterday from eharmony telling me that someone wanted to get to know me – you know, those questions that you are supposed to answer??  I found it interesting because I haven’t had an active profile on that website for almost a year now and I realized they wanted me to pay again to see this fake profile question thing. I didn’t fall for it. But, eharmony had this thing called must haves/can’t stands. I get that.. I really do. Be on time.. if you are running late because of traffic or something beyond your control, have the common courtesy to let me know. You know, there are some can’t stands I have newly discovered that really just drive me bonkers.

I don’t understand this behavior: why do men talk about other women they are talking to when they are with someone they are supposedly interested in??? The individual I was writing about above did this a lot. Now, I wasn’t interested in him a bit, but imagine this – say I am interested in getting to know someone better, but all he does is talk about all of these other women he is talking to. Now, imagine him complaining about them. This makes me think several things. 1) He isn’t interested in me at all, so definitely do not need to pursue this any further. 2) What is he going to say about me to someone else? 3) How annoying (why the heck am I wasting my time??).

The one thing that I cannot tolerate, outside of the lack of faith (or not living as one should when professing faith) is the mean factor. There is no reason whatsoever to be mean to another person because your feelings have been hurt or you aren’t getting enough attention or whatever the reasoning is. Taking out your insecurities on another person doesn’t make you look like a better person; it makes you look small and immature. I couldn’t quite understand why this happened, until I reflected. It really does have more to do with the person doing the ‘making fun’ than the one they are making fun of or being ugly to. Do you not understand these words hurt?? This really goes for anyone. If you say hurtful things to someone, it is going to hurt them. If you want these people in your life, you probably shouldn’t make fun of them. I joke and tease, but I don’t make it personal.

I have a friend that I give a hard time to –ALL OF THE TIME –because he NEVER answers a text. It drives me crazy. He’s well aware of it. He is also not very tech savvy, and very easily distracted (squirrel!), so my teasing is kept to a minimum because I know him well enough. On the other side of that, I think it is highly rude to ignore someone, whether in person, text or social media, on purpose.  A refusal to acknowledge a person when they say something to you is similar to a slap in the face. It has become apparent to me that I have inadvertently offended someone, because I sent a message that was ignored. Then when I did ask about another subject, I was given the cold shoulder. I think people should be a little more honest… if you have been offended, you should say something rather than stew in silence and treat the person like they now have leprosy. It is kind of crappy to do that. The other side of that coin is that if you don’t want to say anything to them about what they did, and then stop acting like a sullen child about whatever happened and let it go.

I get fed up kind of easily about relationship type things these days. It is easy to get frustrated, when you have men playing games or not being interested or being overly interested to the creepy point. I suppose I’m just super irritated at this point with the opposite gender and the apparent inability to be a proper human being.

Church People

Midnight Cry Michael English

Chorus:

When Jesus steps out
on a cloud to call his children
the dead in Christ will rise
to meet Him in the air
and then those that remain
will be quickly changed
Oh, at the midnight cry
when Jesus comes again

2^nd verse:

I look around me
I see prophecies fulfilling
Oh, and the signs of the times
they're appearing everywhere
I can almost hear my Father
as He says, "Son, go get my children"
Oh, yeah, at the midnight cry
the bride of Christ will rise

 

When listening to this song, I imagine Jesus standing at the gates of heaven, waiting....just waiting for His Father to say, "Son, it's time. Go get my children." And the whoop of elation from our Savior as He is surrounded by angels rushing out of the gates to bring the remaining Believers home for eternity.

When we hear that trumpet sound... I imagine Believers hearts leaping in unison, knowing that sound means our time on earth is done.

I can't wait to hear it. I'm so over this world, and the fake people in it. I'm tired of persecution from people who claim to love me. I'm tired of back-stabbing people who think they need to cause trouble, just because. I'm tired of fake Christians the most.

There was a survey in the bulletin at church this morning. A little background - I've always had a problem with my church's view on singles. We had a singles minister for a couple of years, but his primary focus was on the college and 20 year olds. On this survey, there was a question about what type of full time minister is needed... Can you guess what was missing? Yep, a singles minister. The singles ministry at my church is relegated to some folks. When I was involved in the singles ministry several years ago, they somehow decided I was the person who planned every single social event. While I enjoy this, it gets old when I do not get help. I went to teach in the youth department for a couple of years and then went back to the singles ministry… And it happened again. I was the social director. And one of the people 'in charge' of the older singles made it clear she did not like me. So, I left again, and have not plugged in anywhere. It is hard when the church members make you feel invisible and unwanted. My best friend and her family go to this church, so I tend to hang with them whenever possible, but that doesn't always happen. Part of me wants to find another church altogether... Just because I'm so tired of being invisible and treated like an outcast. Then I wonder if it would be the same way somewhere else.

It is hard to go to a new church when you are single... The men flock and the women hate. Somehow you have just become competition. Why, I have no idea. I'm not there primarily to date someone... I'm there to further my relationship with Jesus. If I meet someone, that's a bonus. But I'm not there to 'look' for a man. I think that has been one of my main reasons for not leaving my current church.. I've always been against those who church-hop looking for a spouse, and I don't want to be looked at in that way or placed in that category. I know what I'm looking for so I shouldn't worry about it, but I do. I have an idea of where to start. This church I have in mind had Saturday night services, which would be nice... But the idea of not going to church on Sunday is so alien to me. I’ll stay where I’m at for now, but keeping that door open in the event God says to move.

I know, that in the end, it won’t matter where I went to church or who I knew… the only thing that will matter is living for Jesus and teaching my child to do the same.