A Conversation

Last week I became involved in a conversation on Facebook with some twenty-something’s. The topic was a highly debated courtship vs dating, with people having very strong feelings on both sides of the subject.

The article starting the debate is here.

I’m in the middle of the road on this one. As an older single, I’m not worried about someone asking my dad for permission to date me or get to know me, especially since he’s in another state. I’m typically a good judge of character and I know what I want – plus I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve. I also have a child to think of, so I will not put him into a situation where bad things happen because I chose poorly or selfishly.

First, let’s discuss the article for a moment. I also read ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ (a million years ago) and had some problems with some of the ideas presented by the author. I think he had some really good intentions, but they were designed for hormonal teenagers with no self-control.

I never did speak to my grandmother about dating when she was younger, but I imagine it was something similar to the manner in which the author’s grandmother dated:

The One Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.

So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.

That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.

The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?

She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.

“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.

It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady (Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed, 2014).

I actually kind of like this idea, because I think the premise behind the idea is sound. Women get their hearts all bound up in one guy – who may or may not be the right guy – because they refuse to see anyone else. See, today, a woman who dates more than one man or who will not commit to one man right away is called a ‘slut’ or worse. I don’t think this is fair to women. And really, why would a real man want a woman with her heart in pieces?

Ladies, let me tell you something... you can tell yourself all day long that you will guard those precious hearts of yours while only seeing one man –whether courtship or dating – but you will not be able to withstand falling just a little bit in love with him.

What if you were in love… with love? And not the person you have committed yourself to? What kind of disastrous union would you be a part of?

Men, I have to tell you something too. You cannot rescue a woman, either from herself or her family or her situation, and have it turn out okay. It. Will. Not. Be. Okay.  If a woman is in a bad place, she has to work her way out of it, to be whole.

Ladies, same thing… you cannot rescue a man from his situation.

Back to the courtship vs dating thing now.

So, what should you do? Court or date? Personally, I am not going to commit myself to some guy I’ve just met with the pretense that we are working towards marriage. Now, on the flip side of that, I will go out with a guy I’ve just met with the understanding that I am getting to know him and finding out what makes him tick. 

And to see if he is marriage/father material.

For instance, the guy I went out with earlier this year – we went out twice. Initial date was good.. I thought he was somewhat strange but chalked it up to growing up in different cultures. As the conversations went on, the differences became more pronounced… like, he thought sex was a part of normal, everyday life and that I should get on board with this idea. Or the fact that he was visibly upset that I would not feed him dessert… on our second date. Or the problem I had with him telling a child a joke about sex. Yeah... that was interesting. Needless to say, I’m still single.

I want to have fun when I’m dating someone. During a courtship, it seems like things would be completely awkward, because you have this level of commitment already.

One thing that repeatedly came up without fail during this conversation was respect. Women want to be respected. Men want to be respected. You cannot have mutual respect if you refuse to listen to each other and understand that there are different opinions on the same subject – and that different opinions are okay. If we all think and act the same, this world would be really, really boring.  

Understand this – different opinions are ok. Show some respect and listen to the other person, even if you disagree. You will probably find that you learn something from them. No one person has the right answer for everyone else. What works for me won’t work for another person and vice versa.

Final authority comes from God – seek God first, and know that the best way to a man or a woman is through God. Don’t just talk the talk… make sure you are walkin the walk too! One of the final comments in the conversation pointed out that the idea of dating, courtship and marriage were almost idolized and the focus was removed from God. God and our relationship with Him is primary… marriage and dating relationships should do nothing but honor God.

Deuteronomy 4:28-30 (NASB)

²⁸ There you will serve gods, the work of man’s hands, wood and stone, which neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell. ²⁹ But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul. ³⁰ When you are in distress and all these things have come upon you, in the latter days you will return to the Lord your God and listen to His voice.

 

1 Chronicles 22:18-19 (NASB)

¹⁸ “Is not the Lord your God with you? And has He not given you rest on every side? For He has given the inhabitants of the land into my hand, and the land is subdued before the Lord and before His people. ¹⁹ Now set your heart and your soul to seek the Lord your God; arise, therefore, and build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord and the holy vessels of God into the house that is to be built for the name of the Lord.”

 

Galatians 1:9-11 (NASB)

⁹ As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed!

¹⁰ For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

¹¹ For I would have you know, brethren, that the gospel which was preached by me is not according to man.

 

Colossians 3:1-3 (NASB)

3 Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. ³ For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

My final response to what turned into a quasi-argument:

·         

Julie Boyatt I'm seeing something happening here... let me say something, coming from someone who is older than all of you (doesn't mean wiser!) You all know me in different degrees - and I love each one of you! I'm straight forward, and I will never lie to you or tell you something to make you just 'feel good.'

Men and Women are DIFFERENT. Each of us have different needs and different methods of getting our needs met. 

I am NOT talking about physical needs. As Christian singles, that should not be our primary focus. Young men, don't get bent out of shape thinking women aren't as physically needy as you.. cause we are. 

Women want to be cherished and adored and taken care of. By saying that, I do not mean that we are not capable of taking care of ourselves (prime example = me), but that we want to feel the man we end up with will lay his life down to protect us from harm. That INCLUDES our very fragile, feminine hearts that break when you ignore us... or say something in jest that was actually quite hurtful. Young men - if you want a young lady to pay attention to you, if you are SERIOUS about pursuing a particular woman, you have to do it HER WAY. If you can't handle what she is asking, then you probably should not pursue her. If she wants to be courted, then you court her. If she is okay with dating, then you respect her to your dying breath, because disrespect will get you dumped faster than anything 

Men want to feel like they can protect and take care of their family. They NEED to be the hero.. ladies, when you don't let him do the little things because you 'do it better' or 'faster,' you take this away from him. The man you will eventually marry should be the Head of the Household, by biblical standards. If you take this away from him, then you cannot have a happy marriage. Men need to be respected - which means don't say nasty things under your breath when you are mad, or talk down to him in front of his friends and/or family. Do not talk badly about him to your kids. RESPECT!!!

On another note... I do write a blog about dating as a Christian single.. come and visit! The Single Minefield on blogspot.. or just google it

August 15 at 11:20am · Edited · Like · 5