The Next Thing

I often wonder why I am drawn to broken people. Is it because I am broken?

I don’t think so. I believe I have something to offer those who are broken, and I feel their heartache and their pain. I empathize with their feelings, and cry with them.

I volunteer with a couple of groups, both of which cater to people who would be considered “broken”, yet not beyond rescue.

I feel the pain of my buddies when they tell me their heart-wrenching stories, and I want to make their pain, anger and frustration stop, but all I can do is be their friend. I want to let them know they are NOT worthless, and I can only hope they hear me.

I want to be the fixer in these lives, but I know I cannot. I am not a trained therapist and do not believe I have the patience to be a therapist, but I do have another skillset. I can listen, and ask questions, and I can offer some advice.

I can use my faith and God-given talents to help some of these people, I hope. I don’t think God gave me this heart to help the broken if I wasn’t supposed to use it.

So many people today want to do the platitudes – do any of these sound familiar? (I’m just as guilty of saying them as anyone!)

-         

      God won’t give you anything you can’t handle

-          God has a purpose for this

-          Nothing happens outside of God’s will

Okay, so you tell me, when you are in the middle of a CRISIS that those words will make you feel better.

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Sometimes you just need someone to hold you, or hold your hand, and sit silently and cry with you. Or you need someone to hear you RAGE at the situation.

No one needs platitudes when they are amid a crisis. Those words are not necessarily out of place, but if they are not said at the right time, then it sounds more like criticism or dismissive of the feelings the person in crisis has at the moment.

It is terrifying to embark upon a new path. I’m not changing careers at the moment. I think my career has me in a great place to help people in distress. I did that often at my last job, listening, offering calming advice and helping where I could.

If you have read anything I have ever written, you know that music plays a huge role in my life. I hear God often through music, through the words of a song or just in a melody. Something touches my heart, and I feel God moving in my life. Then I witness it happening.

Casting Crowns has a new album out and all I can say is WOW! The title song is called The Very Next Thing and it could not be more appropriate in my life right now. Check out these words, then watch the video.

Eyes wide open I see you working
All around me you're on the move
Step by step I'm running to meet you
In the next thing

With the very next words of love to be spoken
To the very next heart that's shattered and broken
To the very next way you're gonna use me
Show me the next thing

Galatians 6:2 (NASB)

² Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NASB)

¹¹ Therefore ^[a]encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

Being Picky

I found this online… time to get real!

"How picky can someone be when dating?

Healthy Picky:
You’re careful about who you get involved with, taking things slowly in the beginning, not moving into the bedroom too quickly, and remaining on guard for a couple months or so until you have a sense of who this new person really is. In between relationships, you take some time off and reflect on why the last relationship didn’t work, and after a while you resolve those issues and begin a fresh relationship with someone new.

Extremely Picky:
Deep down, you want to be with someone but can’t seem to find the right fit. You spend more time being single than in relationships, and you have a habit of finding a range of faults in prospective dates. You sometimes focus on little things which end up causing the demise of the relationship, and you tell yourself you have a hard time meeting the right one for you because you’re just so…picky.

The Fear Factor:
It goes without saying that it’s not so great if you fall into the extremely picky camp. What’s underneath unhealthy pickiness? What causes someone to be so picky and overly discerning? In one word: Fear. Extreme pickiness is a giant blob of defense mechanisms with an underlying fear of a real long-term romantic relationship. Underneath it all, people who are extremely picky are afraid to depend on someone for fear of getting hurt. They’re often afraid of being seen for who they really are or having someone they date see flaws or weaknesses in them.

If you are someone who is extremely picky, it means that you (unconsciously) work hard to find faults with prospective partners as a means of self-protection. It makes sense, too, in a twisted kind of way: If you find enough faults to decide so-and-so is not the right match for you, eventually you can put off everyone and will never have to actually face the stress of a long-term relationship. Why? Because you’ll always manage to push all the prospective partners away!"

-Eharmony.com

I seem to fall into the ‘extremely picky’ category. It isn’t that I am looking for faults so I can continue to be alone; for me it is more about the fear of getting hurt. I have been absolutely crushed by men in my past. Lately I have been trying to be more open, but I apparently keep finding the same kind of man. 

Different faces different names, but they are literally the same person over and over.

I guess I haven’t learned my lesson well enough, even though I did learn something – good and bad – from each of the men who have been in my life. What I learned is what I do and do not want in behaviors and attitudes and beliefs. What are those things, you might ask? I won’t go into a lot of detail, but some of the main points are:

Controlling – like, trying to control what I do, when/what I eat, how I dress, etc. Seriously? I'm a grown woman. Just stop. 

Vulgar – I don’t even know why men think this is attractive. It’s not – vulgarity is one of the most unattractive things a man can do or be. When you talk to a lady, you might want to consider talking to her with the same respect you would give your mother. 

Faithfulness – cheating is just a no go.

The things I have appreciated about most of these men is that, with the exception of one in particular, they like me just the way I am. I don’t have to transform into Barbie doll perfection, or wear a size 0. 

I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, or try to fake who I am in order to ‘land’ someone. 

Obviously, with my single status, I have yet to ‘land’ the right one, but at least I’m learning more and more – about me and what I really want in my life partner. 

It seems the most difficult trait to find in a man (for me) is his faith. Rather, the fact that he lacks faith in God. It is very important to me to be “equally yoked” and I really don’t want to guide someone to God when the Bible is pretty clear on how the faith relationship works in a marriage.  

Dating, for me, is about being marriage minded, and not using people for personal or physical gratification. Sure, it’s fun to flirt, but if a relationship is not headed in the right direction, it is time to end it. 

I also see no reason to revisit those ended relationships unless God opens that door again and gives me peace about it. 

God has not reopened any doors, and I don't see that He ever would. Typically I only need to learn a lesson from said relationship, whatever that length of time that relationship entailed. 

I've seen miraculous things happen - times when I really thought I should have died, or God just literally working miracles in the lives around me. God has worked some major miracles in my life too - "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed.... you can move mountains" Matthew 17:20.

Sometimes it seems like it really will take a miracle to meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I have faith though. Even with me, as someone who has been single for so long, God can bring the right man into my life. See, I don’t ‘need’ a man to complete my life, as I am self-sufficient and happy with who I am. I don’t ‘need’ someone to depend on. It is the mere fact that I want someone in my life, to share my life and share his, the ups and downs - THAT will take a miracle on God’s part to make happen.

Thank goodness nothing is too difficult for God – even me. I mean, He did create me, after all.

Jeremiah 32:17(NASB)

17 ‘Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You, 

*I do not endorse eharmony, or belong to them. 

Conflicted

Merriam-Webster defines ‘conflicted’ as:

experiencing or marked by ambivalence or a conflict especially of emotions <conflicted feelings>

When I am in conflict with myself, emotionally and spiritually, I find myself in the worst possible place. I am not at peace, and I literally make myself physically ill. More often than not, I take too long to see the forest for the trees.

A couple of days ago when I was severely conflicted with something I was going through, I wrote this:

In the place where I am
I don't see hope.
I don't see light.
I see only darkness.
I see fear.
I see rejection.

As you can see, I was in a kind of a dark place. I don’t do that often, but it happens.

A dear friend of mine gave me some very good and sound advice, and I followed it, to the letter. He said to write down my worries one by one and be as specific as possible when I write them down. Then I needed to break them down and do a critical root-cause analysis on each one to find out where the real concerns are and where they are coming from.

Once I identified the most basic atom of the issue, I needed to turn that over to God and allow Him to direct me from there. My friend also said that when I broke it all down and saw how tiny that problem really was and turned it over to God... because God can do massive things. And that tiny little problem didn’t seem to be so big after all.

I found it interesting as I wrote down my worries and concerns, that the things I thought I was most concerned about were not the things at the front of my mind. My real concerns, the cause of the anxiety, are the hidden things, some long-standing issues within. I’ve still got some more work to do to break these down and get through them, but at least I’m getting somewhere.

I think this thing I was going through was to confirm something to me – I AM enough.

Jeremiah 32:17 (NASB)

¹⁷ ‘Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You,

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This Reflection of Mine

The hardest part of all of this is the wait.

Waiting on God to answer.

Waiting to see what God is really trying to tell me. 

Waiting just to wait.

Seems so pointless sometimes, all of this waiting. I could go out and do exactly what I want without worrying about the consequences. . Except, that ends up making things a whole lot worse.

And then I’m right back at the beginning, waiting to let my broken heart heal once again.

I find it interesting, as you go about your day and meet people, or people are introduced into your life in some way. I’ve always had this romantic side, when I dreamed I would meet the man who would become my husband in various situations – at the grocery store where I ask him to reach something on a top shelf, a department store looking for a particular item, getting a flat tire and he’s the one who pulled over to assist. (I did have a chance ‘something’ at a store about a year ago. While walking in, this handsome man was getting off his motorcycle and our eyes met. My heart thumped, I managed a smile and walked into the store. He followed and said hello. I replied, and kept walking. I wonder now.. what if I had stayed to chat for a minute??)

What do all of those have in common (except for motorcycle guy)? Damsel in distress... and I realize, I don’t need rescuing. I never have. There have been moments in my life where friends have helped me out, but it’s never been about rescue. I’ve never been the weak one who can’t survive without someone in my life. I’ve actually been doing pretty well with that for the last 20 years or so.  

There comes a point, though, when you just want to share your life with someone.

You know what the cool part of meeting someone at my age is? Retirement is not that far away! The toil and burn of daily life is nearly over. Working for someone else – ugh.

Another awesome fact is that he’s most likely got his act together – at least, I hope so. He may or may not have kids, and most single men my age have been divorced at least once. That is an unfortunate fact these days, but it is what it is. I think most of the men my age who are divorced are looking to move forward in their lives, and let their past not define them, but allow it to mold them into something better than they were.

Something just struck me – when I was younger and Active Duty, most of my friends were male. I was in a (at that time) male dominated career field and the few females I did know were pretty great. 

I now have several close female friends, but I am missing something. I am missing my best friend here on earth. I know he’s out in this world somewhere. God is working on him, just like He’s working on me.

My prayer is, that he finds me one day soon. There is a lot of life to live, and I don’t want to waste one minute of it!

One last thought - I always remember this - I am loved. Deeply. My Heavenly Father, my Creator, He made me just the way I am and He also made my other half. He loves us both, and will bring us together one day. 

The Mirror, Reversed

 Being heartbroken over this single situation really hurts. It mostly hurts because I know my child has never known what it means to have a father. While that isn’t my primary goal in a relationship, it is one of the factors that I look for, the guy who would be willing to take on that role.

The number one thing I look for is how he came to me…  I know, without a doubt, that the man who will join me on this journey called life will come looking for me through God. Any other way is false and not healthy.

He will be more interested in being my best friend, the one I can count on above all others, than he will in my physical appearance, at least initially. He will want to talk to me about everything and nothing. He will want to be silly, weird, and serious with me. He will want to flirt with me, and he will want to treat me like a lady, not a piece of meat. He will also respect my boundaries.

And he will be the calm to my storm. 

He won’t be scared of me and my alpha type personality. He will be that guy who introduces rationale in my world when I don’t see it. And he will be the one who can make me laugh when all I feel like doing is crying.

He will understand that the alpha woman in me needs an alpha male to balance me out. He will challenge me to become better. He will understand that I have goals and he will support me in them.

He will text me good morning, and want to hear my voice before he goes to bed at night. He will pray for me, as I will for him.

As a matter of fact, he would be praying for me right now, that I am the woman God wants for him.

He will pray that I will stay faithful to my beliefs, that I won’t stray from where God is taking me. He will be praying that he will know me as soon as he sees me, recognizing the other half of him, what he has been missing.

He will love me exactly for who I am, and not try to change me. But he will grow with me too. 

Face in the Mirror

I’ve not written in months – I know. I keep saying that. There is a lot going on internally and so I am just trying to keep it all together and process.

Do you ever feel like God has just abandoned you? It’s felt that way in my life for a while, especially when it comes to any potential relationships. When you pray and you pray, but are only getting the desert. When you’ve asked God to bring him to you, but He doesn’t. I know, timing is everything and God’s timing is perfect. There is this overwhelming desire to be a part of someone’s life, to finally be that priority, and it just isn’t fulfilled the way I think it should be.

And honestly, it just gets so boring, being alone all the time, and it certainly gets lonely.

When you get lonely, when you let your guard down, do you realize what happens? People come into your life. These people may not have the best intentions for you, and frankly, just want to use you. They start out all innocent, but end up being the wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I firmly and 100% believe (know) this is the devil trying to make us stray from the amazing life that God is leading us (me) to. Wherever God is leading, that is so much better than the distraction the devil is attempting to lead us (me) into. Me, really, I should say me. Because that is honest.

I’ve seen this happen, mostly to me (repeatedly), because I think all of these great things and I am a dreamer and a romantic (or I just can’t learn a lesson the first time, so it has to be repeated. And repeated-anyone else have this same problem? Good, raise those hands, don’t leave me hanging!). I believe good wins out in the end – and it does, in the big scheme of things. But in my life, good doesn’t always win and I end up with a broken heart. Again.

For the first time, I’m taking steps to protect myself before that broken heart becomes a reality. It is honestly the weirdest thing – I’m recognizing what is happening before it actually happens. And I’m seeing God’s protection in this whole situation too. It is pretty amazing.

Overcoming yourself (myself) is one of the most difficult things to do. I’ve found I can overcome the obstacles of other people, because I can ignore them. However, it’s a little hard to ignore the face in the mirror in the mornings. 

Forgiveness

I have not posted in far too long, but it is time to come back. I have decided this year that instead of focusing on what a relationship should be, that I would focus more on WHO I should be. 

It's been 23 years to the day since I lost one of my best friends my senior year of high school. She and her boyfriend were coming home from a date and she was sitting in the middle seat wearing only a lap belt. They crested a hill and found themselves facing a car in their lane. He was playing chicken with his friend. They lost that day. 

Her boyfriend was hurt, but survived. She was nearly cut in two by the lap belt, and was in ICU for 22 days before she died. 

A few things stand out from those awful days. I went to see her at the hospital, and it hurt so bad to see her laying there. I remember being there the night before she died. I remember going home and crying out to God that 'His will be done.' I was holding on to her, you see. I had lost so many that I loved already and was not willing to go through it again. But I told God, Your will, not mine, Lord. I am under no illusion that her final breath had anything to do with me. I just know God called her home.

The next morning, my dad woke me up to tell me. I went to school after getting ready, and today, I cannot imagine why I even tried to put make-up on. The halls were so quiet. You could have heard a pin drop. 

The boy who hit them that night went to our biggest rival school and a week after her funeral, we played them in basketball. He was there that night. I have no idea why he had the courage to show up, but he did. I told a friend I wanted to talk to him, and my friend told me I was crazy. I felt this pull, like two opposing magnets when you are trying to separate them. It wasn't anything I was able to ignore.

I walked away from my friends and went to the end of the bleachers where he was sitting. I had one of my friends who went to his school get his attention and we went outside. I told him that I wanted to hate him for taking her away from us. I told him about her, who she was, what she was like. He started crying. He couldn't talk clearly because his jaw was wired shut. He had broken it in the accident. I told him that she wouldn't have wanted me or anyone else to hate him, but to forgive him. She knew he would have to live with what he did for the rest of his life, and that was punishment enough. 

Hatred gets you nowhere, but a life of misery. I hope that boy went on to live. I know he remembers that day in December 1992, when he caused an accident that changed so many lives forever. I hope he did something with his life. I don't remember his name anymore. I'm sure I can search online and find it, but I don't want to. I want to remember the peace I felt that night when I talked to him and told him what she would have wanted me to say, what she would have said. 

I miss her.. When I hear 'it's been a long road, without you my friend, but I'll tell you all about it when I see you again' I think of her, and one other. I miss them so much sometimes that I cannot bear it, but I continue on, to live so that they can be remembered and live through me. 

 

Losses like this, and the one that happened later that same year, can change a person. I had one friend who saw me through it all. I'm not sure she really understood, even to this day, the extent that I changed. 

I let go of God in that time. I just decided He had forgotten about me and left me. The truth is, He was ALWAYS there... He is always with me. I was the one who walked a different path. I did that for several years, until I just couldn't stand it any longer. I hated who I had become. I felt the need to destroy myself, and in doing so, I found my way back to God again. Broken, suffering and in need of my Savior. He still loved me - loves me - no matter the things I had done while I was absent from His presence.