God's Grace...

I had a fantastic conversation with someone today regarding how God works in our lives. We discussed how amazing it is to be on the far side of an ‘event’ in our lives and seeing, through grace filled eyes, what God was doing with us during our time of suffering. Or trials. Or painful, emotional craziness.

The ‘whatever’ it is that God walks through with us. Those trials we must endure to become fully mature in HIM.

James 1:2-4 (NASB)

2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I love this verse. It is actually my life verse, as I seem to find myself in more trials than not. It is the process of growing in Christ, and I learn more and more every day.

I’m still in the process of fully discovering what it is that God was teaching me through these last months, but believe I have uncovered some of it.

I know what I am NOT looking for in a man (discovered the hard way).

I know what kind of relationship I want to have 10 (and beyond) years into a marriage.

I know what I need to do to contribute to the relationship.

I know I want and deserve to be respected and cared for.

I know I want the feeling of not being judged when I tell the full story of my life.

I know I deserve to be treated well, instead of like a pet waiting for my master to notice me and pay attention.

I know I deserve someone who gives equally to me as much as I give to him.

I know God is preparing me for someone incredible. This comes in part because of my change in attitude towards relationships (prior to this, I was more of the “assimilate into my life” ideal).

I made my list over, and this time, I’ve got more attributes and how I want to be treated rather than the superficial nonsense I wrote 10+ years ago.

I know I don’t want something that isn’t open and honest.

The man who earns the right to win my heart will do what it takes to be with me - time and location. (and no, that isn’t conceited. It is the truth. And I will do what it takes to be with him, as it goes both ways).

The man who will win my heart -the proper way- will be God's man for me.

These are just some of the things I’ve seen now that the blinders are off. It’s like the line in the song.. “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.”

The 'warts' that show up when you see through God's eyes what truly is can be overwhelming, and freeing at the same time. I told my friend today that I am now able to stand back and see the forest, where before I could only see the trees.

That being said.. this was me for a bit…

Side note: I feel for those people who cannot be truly honest with themselves, and who manipulate and twist things to benefit…self. It is a sad and sorry way to live. I've seen first hand that ego tends to get in the way of truth.

Breathe..and Trust

I laugh at myself – a lot – because I find that there are times I say or write something smart and then I forget so I go back and reread something I’ve written and remember where I was (mentally, spiritually) when I wrote it.

I need the reminder, like a reset button. Or power on/off switch.

Because I’ve found that when I am still fretting over something I thought I had let go of

(human nature strikes again!)

I need the reminder that I let go and already gave it to God, which is just what I need to calm down

and…..breathe.

I also do that female thing where I try to read something in every action or lack of action so I tend to drive myself crazy at times when I think too much.

And I get all spun up again and try to take control of situations and tell God that I know so much better than He does about what I need and how my life should work out.

Cause that method has worked out great so far.

I’m going to try this new method. It’s called trust. I’m sure it will work far better than anything else I’ve tried in the past. Even though I want something in my life, want it desperately, I cannot make the “it” happen - when, where and in my timeline.

Just need to remember to breathe and trust that God’s timing really is the best.

Seeking Wisdom

Proverbs 14 shows the contrast between good and evil, or, the upright and the wicked.  I was looking for something to help with this emotional pain I’ve been dealing with over the last week and found this chapter, as if it called out to me.

Certain words stood out, almost like those depth perception charts you look at.

Wise woman builds….. foolish tears apart

                Wisdom of the sensible is to understand….foolishness of fools is deceit

                                In laughter, the heart may be in pain….at the end of joy may be grief

I am talking about me in all of this and no one else.

We fool ourselves sometimes, when we want to believe something can be true; when our heart desires something that is placed before us.

We grow tired of running alone, and not having someone to talk to at the end of every day, so we seek out something that may not be exactly what God had planned. Because if that something (or someone) takes your eyes off of God, then it isn’t good any longer.

That doesn't mean it is the something (or someone's) fault for the redirection of focus. We are responsible for our own actions that get us into the situations we find ourselves in. No one else can be blamed.

I am at peace in a situation in my life, because I know God has a plan. I am not privy to those plans, nor do I know when or where I will be when the plan is revealed, but I know God has it under control.

Just like He took care of my car situation a few days ago.

Just like He is healing my heart right now.

Just like He loves me, even when I fail.

Psalm 31:7-9 (New American Standard Bible)

⁷ I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,

Because You have seen my affliction;

You have known the troubles of my soul,

⁸ And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy;

You have set my feet in a large place.

⁹ Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;

My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also.

Music for my Morning...

This one strikes me this morning... I love the words to this song... 

You can't help but be uplifted with this one... the reminder that God does love us, so much, no matter what we have done.

And this final one.. because of how amazing Kutless did their version. I love it, love the update.



Enjoy your day and know that God loves you and wants the best for your life. 



Vapor Lock... What?

Sounds like something drastic and scary, right? Well, when your car doesn't work and you are stuck in a canyon on the side of the road (barely) and have no cell phone service - for MILES - it is scary and drastic.

So here is the story: On my way to Estes Park, about 9 miles up hwy 7 because hwy 36 is closed due to an accident, my car starts sputtering and I'm losing power, so I pull over. My engine light is on and I'm concerned that there is a seriously huge (re: expensive) problem with my car. The only one I have. I wait a few minutes with the hazard lights on, cars blowing past me and no one stopping. I start the car and it seems to be happy to be moving again.

Then the engine light starts blinking, which my great-uncle, the car man, says is bad, so I pull over again. Barely off the narrow winding road. Again. Where cars are blowing by... Again. And no one stops. Again.

I wait for a break in traffic and get out to put the hood up (international signal for "my car is broken!!!") and get back inside.

I can't deal with the no cell signal so I figure some kind soul will stop if he sees a pretty girl standing by a car on the side of a road with the hood up. Annnnddddd no. Not until I wave down Steve and his lovely girlfriend, who were outraged that no one stopped for me before I waved them down.

Steve and his lovely girlfriend took my insurance information, cell and my friend's number we are visiting so they could call a tow and my friend once they got into cell range.

I get back in the car. Play a couple of games of scorpion. Lose. Can't take it anymore and get out of the car. Tell the boy to stay put.

I walk to the front of the car and look up at the sky, so far above and whisper, "God, I kinda need a miracle here. I can't afford an expensive repair and You are literally the only person who can hear me right now." I stood there a few minutes longer, waiting to see if He was going to answer loud enough for me to audibly hear Him. I didn't hear anything.

I walked around to the driver's side to get back in the car and see I didn't need to hear the answer so much as wait for it to get there.

Boulder County Sheriff's Deputy pulls up behind me and turns on his emergency lights. I wave. He calls something in on his radio. He gets out of his car.

He greets me and asks what the problem is, and I proudly tell him I believe it is the alternator -silently praying it isn't. I explain the symptoms and he asks if I knew what vapor lock was. I tell him I had alternator problems with another vehicle and am confident it is the problem. NOT this vapor lock thingy. He looks at me and asks again. I say no, I don't know what vapor lock is.

I still don't know what it is, but apparently it happens in the mountains and has to do with gas overheating.

So, my hero, the sheriff's deputy, opens the gas tank and sticks his finger in, explaining he is letting out the hot gas.

Now he wants me to start the car, and doubtful, I do. Holy cow!!! It started right up.. And no engine light!!!

I made it to Estes Park. I have a hero in the Boulder County Sheriff's Office. And God does hear my wee little voice in the midst of all the chaos.

Which means He also hears my other prayers. In the midst of this week's painful happenings, He still hears me. And while I hope my prayers are answered the way I want, He is the one who knows what I truly need in my life. I don't need to fret, worry or be anxious, because God's got this under control.

Thanks God, for hearing me on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. You are my REAL Hero.

Getting Honest

(Preempting this with the fact that once published, I won't talk about it, nor will I go into details – with ANYONE! But I would appreciate prayers.)

I write out of pain today. Making a decision that causes pain (to one’s self) is uncomfortable and creates a certain amount of humility in knowing what I have done to contribute to this.

Granted, I was not completely at fault in this situation - I didn't even start it; but I allowed it to carry on and now have to face up to what has been put in front of me.

It is painful, this decision I have to make for the things I think I want so much. It doesn’t seem fair at times either, and makes me wonder what I’ve done, or what it is that God is trying to teach me through this.

These are the thoughts (among others) that have plagued me over the past few days, while I’ve been struggling with this decision that I didn’t (and still don’t) want to make. One I don’t feel ready for or strong enough to do. And wonder still if I am strong enough for this one. Strong enough to make the decision and stick with it, because I certainly don't want to.

Sometimes people have to be let go from your life, especially if they aren’t treating you right or are not able to give the attention you (I) deserve.

Psalm 30:5 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,

His favor is for a lifetime;

Weeping may last for the night,

But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

Just gotta keep looking for the morning… even if it feels impossible.

Working on this for today...and for the next few as well.. or as long as it takes to stop feeling like I'm dying inside..

Bathroom Prayers

Do you ever have those moments at work  (or anywhere, really) where you feel like you are just going to emotionally explode and you make a run for the bathroom? Hopefully making it there before you burst into tears?

I do.

Had one today, actually. Just got overwhelmed and felt like I needed a few minutes alone (NEVER happens at work) and actually… wait for it… I got it. J

NO ONE came into the bathroom during the 15 minutes or so that I was in there. It HAD to be one of those moments God was calling me to Him. He “locked” the door for our meeting.

I talked to Him about how overwhelmed I felt in areas of my life. How I felt it was time for me to be important in someone’s life. Someone besides my child, that is. Cause I don’t feel important, to anyone. (Some people are going to take offense to this, but it is what it is).

I did not get an answer to all of my complaints, but I did to one. Probably the most overwhelming one in my life at the moment. I received comfort and the knowledge that I am not alone, and to have patience. Okay, so that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but no clear answer means I need to stay where I’m at for the time being.  

My mind keeps poking at me with lies and deception, but I keep fighting (praying, discussing with trusted friends) it off. The deceiver never really stops doing what he is doing, which is attempting to turn us against our faith and what we are to believe. Even as I write this, my mind is being prodded with things that I must push back.

I think we all have days like this, where we must resist the desire to believe the lies that seem too easy to believe. I love the passage in James …submit to God, resist the devil, draw near to God… the rest seems to come a little easier after these things are done.