A Search for Peace

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 Last night was a first for me. I went onto a radio talk show with a friend to talk about being a Christian single. We seemed to talk about my blog for most of the evening, but delved into some other questions Eric and I had given them. One of them was kind of deep – “What do you expect from God?”

I answered that one first and in keeping in the subject matter, said my guy was somewhere between Prince Charming and Mr. Darcy, and Eric kindly reminded me that I should never limit God with my desires. He is right, of course.

I’m not who I want to be, and I’m not where I want to be in life. I have been told on more than one occasion that I should open a bakery, and I keep saying that is my retirement job. In all truth, it is fear of the unknown, and failure, that keep me from doing it.

(I know this is a little scattered tonight, but that is where I am right now, so please bear with me.)

I am honestly and truly not ready to move into a relationship with someone. I keep thinking I am, and there are things I want, but I really am not. I know this is not the most exciting thing I could say, but there comes a time when we all have to be truly honest with ourselves. I know someone who not only lies to others about relationship issues, but lies inwardly too, and this type of behavior hurts so many people. I refuse to allow this behavior in my life, and won't do something that would risk my sanity and my child's well-being in any manner.

I have always been a better communicator via writing than any other form, and in some ways, that shows. I have to learn how to have those hard conversations face to face. I'm really good at this at work, because it isn't personal, but I am terrible at it in my personal life. I like to avoid sometimes. I am doing better at it, but honestly haven't had a whole lot of practice.

There are times I wish God gave us a roadmap when we were born.. one that showed the decisions we make and the consequences from those decisions. He doesn’t want us to have a roadmap, because He wants us to make choices in a manner of trusting His wisdom and guidance. I’ve been trying to make things a go on my own, and that creates a huge mess in my life and sometimes the lives of others.

I had joined a dating website recently and after a couple of weeks and only meeting one person (who is one of those ‘e-maintainers’ I spoke about on the show last night) I canceled the membership. I think I am just tired of going about things with the world’s urging and am going to spend more time where I should. On my knees, in the Word, with my Jesus.

The passage below was written to help new Christians understand the path they should follow, and although I am not a new Christian, I think I am going to work on these qualities for a while rather than search for something that is not what God wants for me.

2 Peter 1:5-8 (NASB)

⁵ Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, ⁶ and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, ⁷ and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. ⁸ For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ