Suffering

My heart is heavy, for I, too, am a parent. I cannot imagine getting a notice from my child's school, or seeing on the news, that there has been a shooting at his school.

The suffering today. The fear of the parents waiting for their children to show up. The overwhelming grief when those parents realize their child(ren) were among those senselessly murdered this morning.

Through Christ, we have a God who understands our hurts and broken hearts.

When we look back on this incident and the fallout that is coming – i.e. gun control, stricter standards for security at schools – we will not necessarily see God where children have been murdered.

We will see compassion from a nation and a world who identify with the senseless loss of innocent lives.

We will see riotous anger at the man who killed his parents and then went to a school to murder.

We will see prayers lifted up for the families who lost someone close to them.

We will see prayers for the living children because they will have psychological problems related to the shooting.

We will see an outpouring of love for the town, victims and residents of Newtown, CT.

In those things, we will see God and His great love for us.

In those things, people who did not have a relationship with Christ before today may have their eyes opened to the love and compassion of those who will open their hearts, doors and do anything possible to help in this time of suffering.

Something VERY important to remember during this time. It is not our place to judge the soul of the man who took these many lives. At this moment, he is facing eternity knowing what he has done. No one will truly know if he had a relationship with Christ, but it is not our place to judge him.

The only we can do, as Christians, religious people, parents… the only thing we can truly do is to forgive his actions, as horrendous as they are.

For in forgiveness, we find freedom to live without hatred.

James 5:9-11

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

⁹ Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door. ¹⁰ As an example, brethren, of suffering and patience, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful.

What Do You Bring?

I was told the other day that I was intimidating (yes, again!!!) because of the thought I have put into dating (whew! At least it isn't because of my personality this time!)

So, for anyone reading out there, I do not want to give the impression that I have all of the answers, nor do I want to mislead anyone into thinking life will be perfect when in a relationship. It is a lot harder than anyone expects and a real relationship takes work.

For example: I reconnected with a friend who had recently gotten married. He told me it was really hard, a lot harder than he thought it would be. Granted, I did not pry, nor do I know all of the details, but I can't imagine it would be so difficult six months in if the person is the one God intended for you. I'm not questioning his choices either, but that's just the way I see it.

Sometimes God puts people in our lives to show us things we would never have known about ourselves unless they were there. These can be good or bad things. We can be shown something we never would have thought about doing. We can get guidance or a clearer direction because of how these people look at things vs our stale way of seeing it.

I often find it interesting to see what a person will bring to my life, or what I would bring to theirs. Sometimes I wonder if that person will stick around for any length of time, or if they will bring something meaningful into my life. There are times neither happens, and that is okay too.

The few people God has brought into my life this year have each taught me something about myself, and I am grateful for those lessons. One or two was pretty tough, but honestly, that is the only way we grow, right?

One lesson was a couple of days ago. I am a romantic at heart, and truly believe I will have my own version of a fairy tale ending someday. A few days ago I was talking to someone and my attitude was pretty sour, which meant my outlook was completely different than the day before. So, he called me on it (pretty cool, if you ask me. Not too many do that) and wanted to know where the optimistic girl was from the day before. Made me realized I was a little crabby, but also made me realize how down I was getting myself because of my attitude.

I went to a camp when I was a teen and one of the things I always remember from that is this:

 

And it is so very true. And a quote from one of the biggest dreamers ever.  

The Takers Among Us

Disclaimer: My blog, my opinions. If you disagree, great. Be civil. If you write a comment (they are moderated!!) and it is disrespectful in any way, it will not be published. Obviously I publish comments that differ or question what I have said because I will answer them.

Lately, we’ve seen this kind of thing all over the television, through the news media (mostly the people they have commenting on whatever story they are discussing – usually the election), and in the debates. On a more personal level, we see it through the people we interact with. Maybe we even meet a few of these statements on this list in our own lives.

The portion of this I would like to focus on is the people we inadvertantly allow into our lives, or have some type of interaction with. Those people who continually believe they are right. Those people who refuse to listen to reason because the voice in their own mind is louder. Those who are never, ever wrong, no matter the evidence put before them that obviously show otherwise.

I know a few people like this. Some are in position of power, you might say. Others want to be but through their own foolishness and nature, they are not.

The list on the Psychology Today website for qualities people exhibit who are classified as ‘Takers’ is:

1. They act entitled to whatever they’re taking from you.
2. They treat you as an extension of themselves.
3. When they hurt or disappoint you they don’t experience guilt, shame or remorse.
4. They won’t apologize to you, but will expect you to apologize to them.
5. Their wish is your command, and if you don’t comply, you don’t love them.
6. They believe their problems are someone else’s fault.
7. They believe that you and everyone else are in this world to make them happy.
8. When you give to them, they don’t feel compelled to say thank you or be grateful.
9. If they feel taken from by you, they become outraged and entitled to become enraged.
10. They don’t regret taking from you, but they regret not taking even more from you.
11. They need to have the last word in conversations.
12. They don’t take turns well.
13. They are impatient and hate to wait.
14. They interrupt or butt into conversations.
15. They act as if they are always right.
16. They act as if they are never wrong.
17. When they’re frustrated, they feel justified in doing anything to make themselves feel better.
18. They won’t tell you specifically what you are doing wrong or ask you directly for what they need— they expect you to read their minds.
19. They are stubborn and you may confuse their stubbornness for strength and be attracted to them because of it.
20. They aren’t motivated to know, care or do anything unless it gets them something.
21. They are quick to ridicule or laugh at others, but have little ability to laugh at themselves or tolerate being laughed at.
22. They either cannot or will not put themselves in another person’s shoes.
23. They hold everyone else accountable, but evade being held accountable.
24. They talk much more than they listen.
25. They’ll expect a second, third and fourth chance from you when they hurt you; but they won’t give you a second chance when you hurt them.

I am taking from this list that most, if not all, of the people you know exhibit some of these qualities. I know I have a couple of them.

The difference is this: takers most likely exhibit the majority of this list.

I highlighted a few of the traits I have recognized in people, specifically three people I have had personal interaction with over the past 3 years. All three of these people have done and said things to me that show just how much of a 'taker' they truly are. Looking back, I am amazed that two of them are in the positions they are in.

One in particular fits number 19 well, and has self-proclaimed to me that he is stubborn. This particular person is also a narcissistic personality, and believes he can get away with anything,  repeating his actions over and over, thinking the things he does will never catch up with him. This person claims to be a Christian, albeit a different denomination (one that is more of a cult, in my mind/opinion), and if this is the truth –only he really knows- then he WILL answer to God on his day of reckoning. I only question his beliefs due to his repeated actions of the same nature, but that is ultimately not my judgment. This person uses people up to fulfill selfish reasons, and somehow makes it the used person’s fault when he is done with them. A clear ‘taker’ if I’ve ever seen one.

Another is in a position of power over people who could be considered vulnerable. This person has a group of people believing he can do no wrong and that his word is final on any and everything and should never be questioned. When someone dares to question, they are met with elements of ridicule or exile… or both. BOTH is what happened to me by this person and ultimately his group of ‘followers.’ (Side note: I’m sure once certain people see this blog, the exile will continue or expand). This person likes having total control and cannot fathom that anyone else would have ideas that are better than his. With the position this person holds, his day of reckoning will be more severe than most, according to what the Bible tells us.

The third person has number 6 down. I mean… wow. I have never met anyone who exhibits this level of victim mindset. Numbers 11 and 17 also fit this person. Having a conversation with this individual is difficult at best, simply because your side of the argument (?) is never considered as valid, and you are interrupted so many times it becomes pointless to continue. As far as 17 goes… no details (per my usual rules), but there is clear evidence that show this person how wrong they are, but the arguments and the blame continue that everyone else is wrong.

My entire point of this blog is to watch out for these people. Keep these types of people as far away as possible in order to maintain your own sanity. As the article says,

“How do you recognize takers? The best way to recognize a taker is to make the most of the hindsight you will beat yourself up with, the next time you’re taken from by one of them.”

God’s own Word talks about these types of people:

1 Samuel 2:2-4 (NASB)

² “There is no one holy like the Lord,
Indeed, there is no one besides You,
Nor is there any rock like our God.
³ “Boast no more so very proudly,
Do not let arrogance come out of your mouth;
For the Lord is a God of knowledge,
And with Him actions are weighed.
⁴ “The bows of the mighty are shattered,
But the feeble gird on strength

Through the Eyes of a Child

My son is telling me about his Christmas list, and I thought I knew about everything that was coming until he said 'a dad.' My heart shattered at that point.

He says to me, "why don't you have a boyfriend, mom?"

I told him, as I have several times before, that God just hasn't put the right man in our lives yet. (I have often wondered this particular question as well).

I told him I could have any boyfriend I wanted at the snap of my fingers, but THAT guy wouldn't be good enough. Not even close. And he wouldn’t be the right one for us either.

I didn't tell him that I have given up.

It's true. I'm tired of being disappointed.. By these males who want to call themselves men.. But they don't know how to treat women, or be honest - with themselves or anyone else. Or they expect the woman to do the chasing and put all of the effort into a relationship.

I don't think it is worth it to put anything above my relationship with Christ - a relationship I've been neglecting because I've been so focused on finding an earthly relationship. This is a frustrating factoid, but one I think many people deal with. Being lonely is not a great part of life, and it is hard to face holidays – or any time of year, really – when you are single. Being around family isn’t much better, especially if everyone is married or paired off. Then it just gets thrown in your face on a more personal level.

 

Philippians 4:10-12 (NASB)

¹⁰ But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. ¹¹ Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. ¹² I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.

My innocent child said he was going to ask Santa for a boyfriend for me (love how the world works though a child’s eyes).

I suppose if Santa wants to stick a real man in my stocking, so be it.

The Morph Factor

Don’t you just love it when all is going reasonably well? I know what you are thinking – it generally means the other shoe will drop and then something like a nuclear bomb goes off in your life. I prefer to think positive and know that no matter what, my faith in Christ gets me through those rough times (even if I do get a little whiny about it).

Have you not found that, even when the world is falling apart around you, everything seems to work out, in ways you never expected? It seems to happen like that for me all the time. I’m not better than anyone else, nor are there any magical powers involved here. Positive thinking and lots of faith, which is the only way to get through sometimes.

I recently had a moment. It was one of those things where I remembered something about myself, something I thought I had lost. I remembered – I choose who I am, and I like me for who I am. The only one I really need to worry about impressing or serving is Christ. I also remembered that I am the only one who can allow another person to take that away from me, and letting someone take away part of who I have chosen to be is also a choice.

When we get involved in a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, we can lose who we are by trying to impress this other person or show how similar we are to each other. I’ve seen this more in romantic relationships (because really, in friendships it can be just creepy – think Single White Female!!). Boy meets girl, they like each other, then one or both of them start taking in the other’s habits and the morph into someone you never really were to begin with starts to happen.

This is a great sign of an unhealthy relationship. No, I’m not a professional, and I’m not talking about marriages. I’m talking about single people who meet someone then start doing everything that person is doing just so you can please them.. or something like that. I’m honestly not sure why this happens with certain people. Maybe it is low self-esteem? Or one person thinks another won’t like them if they don’t have the same interests. Either way, allowing someone else’s interests, opinions, beliefs, political beliefs, etc, to influence the way you act, think or feel is wrong.

Funny story.. awhile back an ex reconnected with me, supposedly to apologize for his behavior. After sitting down with him for 5 minutes, I realized he had not changed one bit. He was still really arrogant, and told me the reason he stopped calling was because "I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you would call me." That is a true story. The levels of immaturity in people are amazing sometimes. He wanted me to be something I wasn't and even told me we were "never going to talk politics" because our views were polar opposites.

Be strong enough to have your own opinions and views. Sure, it is great if what you think and believe matches up with someone else’s, but don’t change something fundamental about yourself just because a person you are interested in does things a certain way.

1 Peter 4:11 (NASB)

¹¹ Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen

What is Love?

What is love? How do we truly see ‘love’ here with our earthly eyes?  Do we ever really see, like the words in Brandon Heath’s song “Give Me Your Eyes,” or do we continue to see with our human eyes, and block out the stuff that does not appeal to us?

I’m not necessarily talking about the love between a man and a woman, although I will get to that in a moment. I’m talking about the pain we are able to see in others, or the hurt, anger, embarrassment, shame, or even the hate. All of those things can be seen if we truly see with God’s eyes instead of our own.

(excerpt from Brandon Heath’s Give Me Your Eyes)

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

I still am not able to completely do this, and I feel it will be a long time. I have a confession. I’m not good at compassion. I am, but in my own way. I see it logically and try to find a way to make it better.

I received two phone calls today, both with some difficult news. One of my dear friends found out she had a terrible loss. Another good friend has gone through some difficulty lately and loss of her own, and in a sense, is now losing another important part of her life. I don’t ever seem to know what to say when someone loses something or someone precious to them. I feel uncomfortable talking about it, and so I see if there is some way to fix the problem. Generally, there isn’t. I love both of these ladies very much and can do absolutely nothing in one situation, but I can offer advice from experience in the other. And I am so very glad to be able to do so.

When it comes to compassion in a relationship between a man and a woman, I also am out of practice. Well, I’m not sure when I would have gotten practice since I haven’t been in a real, meaningful relationship in over 15 years. Yeah, I know, long time. I’m the person you go to if you want the really real truth about something.. not the one you go to for a shoulder to cry on. I wonder how my friends have patience with me when I’m the one needing someone to talk to. Thankfully they are straight-forward with me as much as I am with them and others.

I believe that being told what you want to hear is not psychologically healthy, because the lies – even white lies – are not good for anyone. No one should EVER try and hurt someone’s feelings, but everyone should be as honest as possible with the people they care about. Jesus never lied when He was asked about various subjects. Although it isn’t really covered in the Bible, I’m sure He was asked His opinions on different things. He answered in a loving manner (I’m working on mine, I swear!) with the truth. We should all do that.

Deuteronomy 6:4-5 (NASB)

⁴ “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one!
⁵ You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

Good to Be Alive

Wow… it’s been awhile. There has been A LOT going on the past few weeks, so I’ll try not to get too crazy.

I have been doing much soul searching recently, and have not really come to any outstanding conclusions. I know, shocker, right?

I wonder.. do we always need some kind of epiphany when we do soul searching? Why can’t we just find ourselves at peace with who we are?

I like who I am. I don’t want to change who I am at the core for anyone.

This means I won’t change my religious beliefs (Want some Jesus, anyone? He’s amazing!).

I won’t change my political beliefs, nor will I stop being active in the political process – as long as we have a political process, that is.

I won’t change into someone I’m not to make someone like me, because if I am not liked for who I am, then what is the point?

I am at peace with me. I have a pretty good sense of humor. I am an outstanding cook/baker/culinary artist. I am creative. I am a mother. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I like to have fun. I love my job. I love school. Sometimes I get a little crazy. Sometimes I like being alone. I love music. I am outspoken and not afraid to say what I think.

So, love me or don’t. THIS is something I have realized. What others think of me is not MY problem. It is theirs. It took a long time to get to that point, but the freedom that comes from not worrying about what everyone else thinks is awesome. I only need to worry about what Christ thinks of me.

Check out this song… it so fits everything I feel right now. And it is amazing!

The Difficulty of Forgiveness

I have to tell you, these past few weeks have not been anywhere close to easy for me... 

I'm working towards forgiveness and healing, but it is SO hard, especially when the feeling of betrayal is so fresh. And gets thrown in my face daily.

Because that daily thing makes it SO much easier to deal with. (heavy sarcasm here, folks)

As a dear friend reminded me;

When I want to scream, I must remember to speak softly, 'I forgive you.'

When I want to slap and punch (i.e. cause pain), I must remember to walk away.

When I want say how awful I think he is, I must remember I am at fault as well.

None of us are perfect, and God has a plan worked out for each of us. I am honestly trying to be patient and wait for God to show me what it is that He has in store for me, but it can be really difficult. Actually, really difficult is not even close to how I feel about this whole waiting thing.

It is H-A-R-D!!!!

I don't like waiting.. I am impatient by nature. However, this waiting time has given me time to reflect

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NASB)

A Thorn in the Flesh

⁷ Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! ⁸ Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. ⁹ And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

While I am weak, my Jesus is strong, and only in His strength, am I strong.
As far as forgiving goes.....

Mark 11:25 (NASB)

²⁵ Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.

Wolves and Sheep

You know, there are times in each of our lives where things happen. They happen because we let it or sometimes it is because of circumstances outside of our control.

Most of the time, the fault for all of the wrong stuff lies within each of us. Because we have strayed from the path God wants us on.

I want to believe I can read people pretty well. At least, until recently I believed it. The person I misread did something that hurt me deeply, and caused great disappointment for so many reasons.

One of my biggest pet peeves is lying, and this person lied. Not just once, but for months.

This person disappointed me in the fact the morals I thought were there... Weren't.

I am mostly disappointed in myself, that I was so incredibly wrong about the character behind the face.

The sad (?) part is, I still want to believe there is good somewhere in there, that maybe I was wrong in my final thoughts about this person. I guess that is my ever positive side hoping for a better outcome.

My heart just hurts over this entire situation, even though I know deep in my soul this is the way things are in how it must be.

We all have moments of weakness, and we all are fooled - at some point - by someone we thought to be honorable and of good character. Strong moral fiber, or the ability to do what is right no matter what the circumstances.

As singles, we must ALWAYS be on guard, for these "wolves in sheep's clothing" will devour our heart and soul if we allow it to happen.

Isaiah 40:31 (NASB)

³¹ Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

Sometimes waiting on the Lord is difficult. Okay, it is ALWAYS difficult, because we want what we want when we want it. That is usually RIGHT NOW!

Rebecca St James has a lovely song called 'Wait for Me" The lyrics (shortened a bit for the purpose of the blog) go something like this:

Darling did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
Darling did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
And keep your loving eyes only for me

(Chorus)
Cause,I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Cause, I am waiting for
Praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait
Darling wait

Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
And darling when I say
Till death do us part
I'll mean it with all of my heart
Now and always faithful to you

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there's forgiveness and a second chance
So wait for me
Darling wait for me
Wait for me
wait for me

So, to MY darling that is out there... wait for me, as I am waiting for you. Don't be fooled by the wolves roaming. Stay strong in heart and soul, and I will see you soon.

God's Grace...

I had a fantastic conversation with someone today regarding how God works in our lives. We discussed how amazing it is to be on the far side of an ‘event’ in our lives and seeing, through grace filled eyes, what God was doing with us during our time of suffering. Or trials. Or painful, emotional craziness.

The ‘whatever’ it is that God walks through with us. Those trials we must endure to become fully mature in HIM.

James 1:2-4 (NASB)

2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I love this verse. It is actually my life verse, as I seem to find myself in more trials than not. It is the process of growing in Christ, and I learn more and more every day.

I’m still in the process of fully discovering what it is that God was teaching me through these last months, but believe I have uncovered some of it.

I know what I am NOT looking for in a man (discovered the hard way).

I know what kind of relationship I want to have 10 (and beyond) years into a marriage.

I know what I need to do to contribute to the relationship.

I know I want and deserve to be respected and cared for.

I know I want the feeling of not being judged when I tell the full story of my life.

I know I deserve to be treated well, instead of like a pet waiting for my master to notice me and pay attention.

I know I deserve someone who gives equally to me as much as I give to him.

I know God is preparing me for someone incredible. This comes in part because of my change in attitude towards relationships (prior to this, I was more of the “assimilate into my life” ideal).

I made my list over, and this time, I’ve got more attributes and how I want to be treated rather than the superficial nonsense I wrote 10+ years ago.

I know I don’t want something that isn’t open and honest.

The man who earns the right to win my heart will do what it takes to be with me - time and location. (and no, that isn’t conceited. It is the truth. And I will do what it takes to be with him, as it goes both ways).

The man who will win my heart -the proper way- will be God's man for me.

These are just some of the things I’ve seen now that the blinders are off. It’s like the line in the song.. “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.”

The 'warts' that show up when you see through God's eyes what truly is can be overwhelming, and freeing at the same time. I told my friend today that I am now able to stand back and see the forest, where before I could only see the trees.

That being said.. this was me for a bit…

Side note: I feel for those people who cannot be truly honest with themselves, and who manipulate and twist things to benefit…self. It is a sad and sorry way to live. I've seen first hand that ego tends to get in the way of truth.

Breathe..and Trust

I laugh at myself – a lot – because I find that there are times I say or write something smart and then I forget so I go back and reread something I’ve written and remember where I was (mentally, spiritually) when I wrote it.

I need the reminder, like a reset button. Or power on/off switch.

Because I’ve found that when I am still fretting over something I thought I had let go of

(human nature strikes again!)

I need the reminder that I let go and already gave it to God, which is just what I need to calm down

and…..breathe.

I also do that female thing where I try to read something in every action or lack of action so I tend to drive myself crazy at times when I think too much.

And I get all spun up again and try to take control of situations and tell God that I know so much better than He does about what I need and how my life should work out.

Cause that method has worked out great so far.

I’m going to try this new method. It’s called trust. I’m sure it will work far better than anything else I’ve tried in the past. Even though I want something in my life, want it desperately, I cannot make the “it” happen - when, where and in my timeline.

Just need to remember to breathe and trust that God’s timing really is the best.

Seeking Wisdom

Proverbs 14 shows the contrast between good and evil, or, the upright and the wicked.  I was looking for something to help with this emotional pain I’ve been dealing with over the last week and found this chapter, as if it called out to me.

Certain words stood out, almost like those depth perception charts you look at.

Wise woman builds….. foolish tears apart

                Wisdom of the sensible is to understand….foolishness of fools is deceit

                                In laughter, the heart may be in pain….at the end of joy may be grief

I am talking about me in all of this and no one else.

We fool ourselves sometimes, when we want to believe something can be true; when our heart desires something that is placed before us.

We grow tired of running alone, and not having someone to talk to at the end of every day, so we seek out something that may not be exactly what God had planned. Because if that something (or someone) takes your eyes off of God, then it isn’t good any longer.

That doesn't mean it is the something (or someone's) fault for the redirection of focus. We are responsible for our own actions that get us into the situations we find ourselves in. No one else can be blamed.

I am at peace in a situation in my life, because I know God has a plan. I am not privy to those plans, nor do I know when or where I will be when the plan is revealed, but I know God has it under control.

Just like He took care of my car situation a few days ago.

Just like He is healing my heart right now.

Just like He loves me, even when I fail.

Psalm 31:7-9 (New American Standard Bible)

⁷ I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,

Because You have seen my affliction;

You have known the troubles of my soul,

⁸ And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy;

You have set my feet in a large place.

⁹ Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;

My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also.

Music for my Morning...

This one strikes me this morning... I love the words to this song... 

You can't help but be uplifted with this one... the reminder that God does love us, so much, no matter what we have done.

And this final one.. because of how amazing Kutless did their version. I love it, love the update.



Enjoy your day and know that God loves you and wants the best for your life. 



Vapor Lock... What?

Sounds like something drastic and scary, right? Well, when your car doesn't work and you are stuck in a canyon on the side of the road (barely) and have no cell phone service - for MILES - it is scary and drastic.

So here is the story: On my way to Estes Park, about 9 miles up hwy 7 because hwy 36 is closed due to an accident, my car starts sputtering and I'm losing power, so I pull over. My engine light is on and I'm concerned that there is a seriously huge (re: expensive) problem with my car. The only one I have. I wait a few minutes with the hazard lights on, cars blowing past me and no one stopping. I start the car and it seems to be happy to be moving again.

Then the engine light starts blinking, which my great-uncle, the car man, says is bad, so I pull over again. Barely off the narrow winding road. Again. Where cars are blowing by... Again. And no one stops. Again.

I wait for a break in traffic and get out to put the hood up (international signal for "my car is broken!!!") and get back inside.

I can't deal with the no cell signal so I figure some kind soul will stop if he sees a pretty girl standing by a car on the side of a road with the hood up. Annnnddddd no. Not until I wave down Steve and his lovely girlfriend, who were outraged that no one stopped for me before I waved them down.

Steve and his lovely girlfriend took my insurance information, cell and my friend's number we are visiting so they could call a tow and my friend once they got into cell range.

I get back in the car. Play a couple of games of scorpion. Lose. Can't take it anymore and get out of the car. Tell the boy to stay put.

I walk to the front of the car and look up at the sky, so far above and whisper, "God, I kinda need a miracle here. I can't afford an expensive repair and You are literally the only person who can hear me right now." I stood there a few minutes longer, waiting to see if He was going to answer loud enough for me to audibly hear Him. I didn't hear anything.

I walked around to the driver's side to get back in the car and see I didn't need to hear the answer so much as wait for it to get there.

Boulder County Sheriff's Deputy pulls up behind me and turns on his emergency lights. I wave. He calls something in on his radio. He gets out of his car.

He greets me and asks what the problem is, and I proudly tell him I believe it is the alternator -silently praying it isn't. I explain the symptoms and he asks if I knew what vapor lock was. I tell him I had alternator problems with another vehicle and am confident it is the problem. NOT this vapor lock thingy. He looks at me and asks again. I say no, I don't know what vapor lock is.

I still don't know what it is, but apparently it happens in the mountains and has to do with gas overheating.

So, my hero, the sheriff's deputy, opens the gas tank and sticks his finger in, explaining he is letting out the hot gas.

Now he wants me to start the car, and doubtful, I do. Holy cow!!! It started right up.. And no engine light!!!

I made it to Estes Park. I have a hero in the Boulder County Sheriff's Office. And God does hear my wee little voice in the midst of all the chaos.

Which means He also hears my other prayers. In the midst of this week's painful happenings, He still hears me. And while I hope my prayers are answered the way I want, He is the one who knows what I truly need in my life. I don't need to fret, worry or be anxious, because God's got this under control.

Thanks God, for hearing me on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. You are my REAL Hero.

Getting Honest

(Preempting this with the fact that once published, I won't talk about it, nor will I go into details – with ANYONE! But I would appreciate prayers.)

I write out of pain today. Making a decision that causes pain (to one’s self) is uncomfortable and creates a certain amount of humility in knowing what I have done to contribute to this.

Granted, I was not completely at fault in this situation - I didn't even start it; but I allowed it to carry on and now have to face up to what has been put in front of me.

It is painful, this decision I have to make for the things I think I want so much. It doesn’t seem fair at times either, and makes me wonder what I’ve done, or what it is that God is trying to teach me through this.

These are the thoughts (among others) that have plagued me over the past few days, while I’ve been struggling with this decision that I didn’t (and still don’t) want to make. One I don’t feel ready for or strong enough to do. And wonder still if I am strong enough for this one. Strong enough to make the decision and stick with it, because I certainly don't want to.

Sometimes people have to be let go from your life, especially if they aren’t treating you right or are not able to give the attention you (I) deserve.

Psalm 30:5 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,

His favor is for a lifetime;

Weeping may last for the night,

But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

Just gotta keep looking for the morning… even if it feels impossible.

Working on this for today...and for the next few as well.. or as long as it takes to stop feeling like I'm dying inside..

Bathroom Prayers

Do you ever have those moments at work  (or anywhere, really) where you feel like you are just going to emotionally explode and you make a run for the bathroom? Hopefully making it there before you burst into tears?

I do.

Had one today, actually. Just got overwhelmed and felt like I needed a few minutes alone (NEVER happens at work) and actually… wait for it… I got it. J

NO ONE came into the bathroom during the 15 minutes or so that I was in there. It HAD to be one of those moments God was calling me to Him. He “locked” the door for our meeting.

I talked to Him about how overwhelmed I felt in areas of my life. How I felt it was time for me to be important in someone’s life. Someone besides my child, that is. Cause I don’t feel important, to anyone. (Some people are going to take offense to this, but it is what it is).

I did not get an answer to all of my complaints, but I did to one. Probably the most overwhelming one in my life at the moment. I received comfort and the knowledge that I am not alone, and to have patience. Okay, so that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but no clear answer means I need to stay where I’m at for the time being.  

My mind keeps poking at me with lies and deception, but I keep fighting (praying, discussing with trusted friends) it off. The deceiver never really stops doing what he is doing, which is attempting to turn us against our faith and what we are to believe. Even as I write this, my mind is being prodded with things that I must push back.

I think we all have days like this, where we must resist the desire to believe the lies that seem too easy to believe. I love the passage in James …submit to God, resist the devil, draw near to God… the rest seems to come a little easier after these things are done.

Happiness is a Choice

Too many times we (especially women) allow external forces to control our emotions and thoughts. The control can come from anywhere – a person we are interested in, events happening in our lives (or not happening), how people treat us, financial issues and, well, I could go on and on. Let’s face it, we allow a whole bunch of external forces to control our everyday lives.

But it does not have to be that way.

Paul tells us that we should love our neighbor as ourselves, and to walk by the Spirit so that we are not carrying out the desires of our flesh. Our flesh is in opposition to the Spirit, and as such, we must constantly be on guard so that we do not fall victim to fleshly desires.

The Fruits of the Spirit are the  goal we should strive to attain, and those Fruits will help to combat the fleshly desires we are bombarded with on a daily basis.

So, in getting back to choosing happiness without those ‘external forces’ affecting our choices – it is a daily struggle. Sometimes it is an hourly, or even minute by minute struggle. That’s okay, small doses can get us through just as much as big ones.

Be the Light...  

“Happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind.” ― Daphne du Maurier