Dinner Etiquette

Christmas is over, the new year is coming. Are you in a different place than you were one year ago? I was, mentally, spiritually and physically. Do you make resolutions? I don’t. I never keep them anyway, so I figure, what’s the point? 

So, what will you do in 2012? I will finish my Master’s degree. I know that one thing is certain. For all of the rest, I can only rely on God to do what He does best, which is answer prayer in His way and His time. All for the better of my life, of course.

I’ve realized, in chatting with the men I know –and some who have asked my thoughts on the subject – that men have forgotten what it is like to ask a woman out as well as how to choose a restaurant for a date. I took some ideas from an article I read because it was so well done… and the advice is from a man. With the exception of some of the alcohol comments (which I deleted), I couldn’t have said it better myself! I did add some of my comments (in italics), because, as a man, he missed some minor details.  Additionally, I deleted the last one by Mariani because it is irrelevant.

Dinner Date Etiquette By John Mariani

1. Ask her out at least five days in advance.  Assuming you've got a date, tell her the reservation is 15 minutes earlier than it actually is. This way you'll be seated on time.  

--This is especially helpful if she has children. Finding babysitters at the last moment is usually difficult. And asking anything less than 5 days shows (in my opinion) that she may have been a last resort, instead of a first choice – and in that case ladies, feel free to say no.

2. Some restaurants are more romantic than others. Make sure you pick the right cuisine:
• French restaurants may seem romantic, but often they upstage you with a meal that revolves around an exotic menu and wine list instead of you having a good time. And then there's the snooty factor, where you're judged as much by the service staff as your date. Especially when it comes to the tip.
• Chinese and other Asian restaurants are either pushy, crowded, and frantic or completely empty, ensuring you'll be the only ones in the whole place. In either case, you'll be out the door in a hurry. Think about it: When was the last time you spent more than an hour in a Chinese restaurant?
• With their lively atmosphere and accessible cuisine, Mexican restaurants can be extremely amiable but mark you as a cheapskate.
• Steakhouses tend to be meat markets. (Literally.) Who wants to compete with the crowds of guys at the bar who can't wait for you to go to the men’s room so they can hit on your girl?
• Sushi, assuming she likes it, is very good for a casual date, even a little sexy because it’s adventurous and marks you as something of a sophisticate. (This is especially true if you if you live in a landlocked city like Cincinnati or Tucson.) Just don’t sit at the counter.
• Italian restaurants, by and large, are your best bet. The staff is affable, they know how to greet a beautiful girl, the food is going to be good even if it’s only okay, and the bill won’t raise your eyebrows over your hairline. Plus, as Neil Simon once said, “There are two laws in the universe: The Law of Gravity and Everybody Likes Italian Food.”

--Make sure your date doesn’t have food allergies before you choose the restaurant for the evening. Nothing is worse than a man who doesn’t think to find out if his date has severe food allergies which keep her from eating a particular cuisine (fish, shellfish, and wheat/gluten allergies come to mind). Just because you like a certain food doesn’t mean she will. Personally, I can’t stand sushi and I can’t even walk into certain restaurants because of food allergies. I would hate to pull up to a place and have to tell a well meaning man I can’t eat there, especially if he made the effort to make a reservation. If your date has allergies, let her suggest a place or two, or do some research yourself.

3. A list of Do's
• Wear a jacket or blazer. A tie couldn't hurt, either.
• Get up from the table when she leaves and returns.
• Tip 20 percent if you expect to return. Remember to include the wine costs as well, unless you're buying bottles of wine that cost more than $100 each.
• Pay the bill. If she offers to go Dutch, resist her.
• Offer to switch plates if she hates her meal. If that doesn't work, ask her what she hates and quietly consult the waiter off to the side.

--These are all good suggestions. It is also good to find out the restaurant policy on a hated meal. Many will make a new entree free of charge (PF Changs is one of these).  I would also like to add that you should not take her to a place you cannot afford. If you asked a lady out, you should be the one to pay for everything, expecting nothing in return, except an evening of conversation and getting to know one another. The exception is an agreement made in advance, particularly when you made the plans with said lady.

4. A list of Don'ts
• Flourish a bribe to a maître d’. Tip him on the way out if you plan on being a regular.
• Share plates, especially on the first and second dates. Try to stay away from the tasting menu, too, while you're at it.
• Order soup. It will end up on your shirt.
• Perform the Heimlich maneuver, unless you're an EMT. Let the trained staff handle this one.
• Make a giant production out of tasting the wine. Take a sip, nod if it's good, and leave the swishing and spitting for the sommelier.

--Seriously… don’t stick your fork or spoon in my plate, especially if I barely know you. If I offer to let you try something off of my plate, allow me to cut a piece and either use your fork that you have politely given me or place the morsel on your plate or bread plate. Don't pretend to be a foodie if you aren't. If she is a foodie, you will look foolish trying to pronouce foods or act like you know what a 'truffle' is when you don't. (Hint: it is a fungus).  

5. Thirteen warning signs that your restaurant choice is a bad one:
• The host proudly offers you a free glass of "kee-ann-tee" if you order an entree.
• There is a bouncer out front.
• The bar is packed, but the dining area is empty.
• There are women's undergarments stapled above the bar.
• The restroom is unisex.
• The host says there’s a half hour wait for a table.
• Tonight's music selection: Showtunes!
• The menu has tassels.
• The winelist comes in a three-ring binder.
• The place has no listed phone number.
• The tables are so close together that the waiter has to pull them out to sit you down.
• It's one of Todd English's restaurants.
• The waiters have track marks on their arms.

--These are funny…yet scary too. Do yourself (and your unsuspecting date) a favor. Check out the place ahead of time, especially if you have never been there. How embarrassing would it be to show up at a new restaurant and find it is a biker bar or worse?

6. Yes, you like oysters. Still, don’t ever suggest a food is an aphrodisiac. It makes you sound like you learned everything you know about romance from your dad's Playboy collection in the garage.

--Um, yeah. Add chocolate covered strawberries and anything else on that list to things you should not suggest your date eat on a first date. Personally, wait til your wedding night for this type of food… then have it sent to your hotel room after the wedding reception.  

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/MARIANI/dinner-date-etiquette#ixzz1hwYUKl9d

Give Them (clueless men) a Hand

Give them a hand

I had a few questions come up from the last blog, so I thought I would answer those here, so if anyone else was curious, they could also get my take on these things.

I firmly believe a man should chase after a woman. I would never go out with a man who is too lazy to show me he is interested, or the man who refuses to chase a woman because he thinks he should be the one chased. Nope, sorry, not going to happen.

THAT being said… there is nothing wrong with letting a man know you are interested, you know? I mean, let’s face it, most men are pretty clueless when it comes to women.  :)   Ladies, you can do this by showing interest in what he is saying –even if you don’t understand it, are not interested, or bored to tears. Ask him questions, flirt some. Sometimes, with some men, you just have to put yourself out there and say something about your level of interest. However, DO NOT play games with a guy. If he asks you out, say yes or no. It’s okay to check the calendar or tell him you must see if you can find a sitter first before committing, but don’t say no, then be mad at him if he doesn’t ask again. Toying with emotions is not fair to anyone. (Guys.. you should take note of that too..Don’t play games with women. Be interested, or not, but don’t lead a woman on).

Guys, if you are interested, ask her out. Take the chance. You will never know if she is interested unless you ask. Guys - if she tells you she has an interest in you but you do not reciprocate the feelings, be nice about it.

Men and women are a terrific team together, IF they are following God’s plan for their lives. By this, I mean men and women both should first commit to a relationship with God. If they can’t have that relationship, then how will they manage to be in one with each other? I heard a saying once, and I love it.

A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man must seek Him to find her

This is utterly and completely the truth, especially for a Believer. There should be no missionary dating, nor should there be failure to follow God when dating another Christian. It should be easy. I was seeing someone a few years ago who played with my emotions, kept me guessing and thought I should chase after him before he just quit calling. When I saw him earlier this year, I asked what happened, and he said he thought if I wanted to talk to him, I would have called him. Really… maturity is the key here, guys. If you aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship, then don’t be in one. Don’t try to be in one. Just be by yourself and grow up.

One thing I firmly believe is that sex before marriage is not right, especially in God’s eyes. We all make mistakes, we all do stupid things, so I am not condemning anyone… geez.. I would have those four fingers pointing right back at me. The question comes out of the desire to beat the sinful nature into submission, thereby following God’s will for our lives. When a man and a woman are in a relationship that will lead to marriage (and yes, I believe marriage is between a man and a woman, nothing more, nothing less), they should make every effort to keep God first, and control their sinful nature. If it comes to it, they would have to make the decision to not be alone together (if they find they cannot control themselves-hormonal teenagers, anyone??). They would also need to set firm boundaries for both the man and the woman, for each has a threshold that, if crossed, would create a problem for both parties in the relationship.

Does anyone else have thoughts on these things?

Ladies...it is your turn :)

Alright ladies, I promised the next blog post for you. I have to tell some of my greatest annoyances when talking to other women about dating.

1.       Don’t criticize my views on dating when you aren’t dating anyone either. Obviously I have my views and have developed them over time and they fit me and my life.

2.       I am picky for a reason. Just because someone asks me out doesn’t mean I should go out with them if I don’t feel it is right.

3.       If you are in a relationship, don’t pull the typical girl moves.

a.       Ignore me while you are dating a guy, then expect to come back crying over the broken relationship. I honestly don’t want to hear it and seriously won’t care. (Basically, don’t ditch me as a friend b/c you have a boyfriend then come back when you break up)

b.      Be my friend. The one I had when we were both single and had fun together doing whatever it was that we did. Don’t constantly talk about your boyfriend while when we are hanging out. I want to spend time with you talking about the other aspects of your life, and of mine.

4.       When you are in a relationship, I’ll be happy for you. However, when I’m down about being single (b/c I do get that way, I AM human), don’t tell me the platitudes about guys being this or that. My experiences are what I have to go on and they haven’t been good. Please don’t discount that.

Okay, now that I’ve got that off my chest, I have some more to say about how women are when it comes to men. I really have a hard time with women who are so desperate to be in a relationship that they chase after any guy who shows them interest. This is not how God made us, ladies. God made us to be revered and cherished, which means we don’t chase after men. Men are supposed to pursue women. God made them that way. God made Eve from Adam’s rib, to be his helper and his mate. Throughout Biblical history, God shows us how women are to be. Just read Proverbs 31 if you don’t believe me.

Another thing to watch is when you do meet someone; do not lose yourself in that man and his life. You are an individual creation of God’s design, and He does not intend for you to get so wrapped up in someone else’s life that you become that person, and in the process, you lose yourself.  Make sure you still do the same things you did before you met him. Developing new interests together is fine, but let that happen once there is a serious commitment.  Stay committed to the things you were doing before you met him. One thing many women are known for is allowing a new man to take all of their time. It really isn’t healthy, ladies. There has to be some separation between you and that guy. Spending all of your time with one person to the detriment of other commitments in your life can result in a lot of pain and loss, as well as hurt feelings (see #3a above).

Whether God has a mate for each of us or not is definitely not up to us individually. We have to be patient and willing to listen to God’s still, small voice in what we should do  (this goes for men too). Most of the time it is to sit and wait. Wait on God to act. Wait on Him to tell the man it is time to act. Most importantly, we ladies just have to wait. While this can be hard, the reward is in the end result, when there is a relationship based on God and the individual relationships with Him that come together.

GUYS: This one is for you....

I've come to the realization that men have forgotten something vital in this world we live in. Men have forgotten how to date... At least, the men I've met. They think texting and emails are an okay form of communication, they don't actually ASK a woman out, they run away when a woman expressed her feelings, or they are inappropriately wrong right away. So yes, guys, I'm going to pick on you (don't worry, the next blog is about women).

I think the problem lies in this whole ridiculous women's movement that started in the 70's. Men have been emasculated, and that is wrong (I won't get into the political stuff, but I do believe there are some good parts to women's lib). I think many men are intimidated by women, especially the one they are interested in. Go on guy... ASK HER OUT!!!  I cannot express how annoying it is that a 'man' can't man up and show he is interested in someone. They are afraid of commitment or have been hurt or whatever the reason is.

My opinion is that the man is supposed to take the lead. God demands it!  Ephesians says the “husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church.” I know, it says husband and wife.. However, this tells me that, as women, we are not made to chase after men. I know there are things out there in the world that say “go after what you want” and all of these movies, television shows and magazines say to chase after anything you see because you deserve it and all that mess. God says He will give us good things, but they come in HIS time, not ours. You can’t force a relationship to work, nor can you make someone love you. What I’m saying is, ladies, stop trying to make a man love/want you. Dress and behave appropriately, and it will come in God’s time.

My opinion is that I deserve to be chased! I am a Princess - and no, not the high maintenance image that just popped in your head. I am a Daughter of the King, and the man that eventually wins my heart has to go through my Father to get to me. I’m not about getting my heart broken over some guy who can’t or won’t commit. I deserve more than that, and have no desire to just date whatever guy enters my life to see if he’s the one God has for me. That doesn’t mean I won’t get to know him. I just won’t commit to a relationship with him unless I know God has intended him for me.

Some of my rules an interested guy should know (these may apply to other ladies as well):

1.       ASK me out. You’ll never know if I’m taken or interested if you don’t.  (I would advise to not text or email and ask me out. I will say no on principle.)

2.       PLEASE: Make an effort to get to know me and show me you can be my friend.

3.       DO NOT communicate solely thorough electronic means. CALL and talk to me!!!!

4.       Don’t ask me out and then offer to include my child. Yes, a nice gesture, but inappropriate.

5.       Don’t have the expectation that I would introduce you or allow you to spend a significant amount of time with my child when I first start dating you. (I may not like you and don’t want my child to like someone who won’t be around).

6.       Don’t expect that I would be physically involved with you, especially at first. (See #2).

7.       Flowers are always a nice gesture.

If you can’t manage to show me some kind of effort, then why should I?

Love... and the Holiday Season

It’s that time of year again. I wonder if I’ll ever have anyone to spend the holidays with. Then I think, well, right now it would be so awkward because it is only about 6 weeks til Christmas, so what do you get someone you just started seeing without freaking them out?  Thankfully, I don’t have that problem this year. I don’t have to work out a schedule so two families can be visited, travel or anything else I really don’t want to do. I can plan a dinner for friends and invite who I want. I can leave my tree up until Valentine’s Day if I want, and no one will yell at me about it. (Actually, my child would probably prefer if I left it up all year, but I just can’t do that).

See, I'm THAT person who starts humming Christmas tunes in July, and singing full blown carols around the middle of October. I decorate early so I can enjoy the decorations. I enjoy having people over so I can entertain groups. I love how everyone is seemingly so much nicer to each other. I love telling store people "Merry Christmas, "  and hearing it back from some of them. I have most of my Christmas shopping done early because I shop the sales. My favorite secular Christmas song is "Silver Bells." Yes, I'm THAT person.

So, yes, I love Christmas. The main reason I love Christmas is because we get to celebrate Jesus's birthday. I will be baking a cake for Jesus's birthday so my boy can decorate it, and we will share it with the people we will celebrate Christmas with.

I was listening to Christmas music as I was getting ready this morning and had to laugh. Two songs in a row talked about being alone at Christmas.. I had to catch myself before I passed up ‘Blue Christmas’ and think.. “I’m not REALLY alone.”  I have a great group of friends I will be eating a meal with, my son, family (who will be in another state) and the never-ending school work. So, I will be kept busy on Christmas Eve/Day.  And there is also the upcoming New Year’s party that I am in the process of planning.

There is also the most important thing I have yet to mention. I have Jesus. So, I’m never truly alone. And I am faithful to the fact that I will not spend all of the holidays in my life without someone special. Someday, some man will take me out to dinner for my birthday. He will be the same one who will kiss me under the mistletoe, and again at midnight as we ring in the New Year together. He will be the one to take me on a surprise trip for Valentine’s Day, arranging for the kid(s) to stay somewhere with someone we trust so I don’t have to worry about it. Yes, I am a romantic at heart, and I look forward to the day when I can experience the holidays with someone special. For now though, Jesus keeps my heart warm and I don’t worry about tomorrow.

Matthew 6:34 (NASB)

   ³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

What are YOU wearing?? (Yup, modesty again)

I have had a heavy heart lately because of something that has become almost extinct: modesty. I have seen articles (which celeb has the best beach body? WHO CARES?!?!?!), spoken to people, seen with my own eyes how women dress… and it really bothers me. I’m not a prude, but I also don’t “flaunt what I’ve got.” I was talking to Janet Shrum this weekend at our Revolution Single’s Retreat about how women dress these days and she made a comment that perfectly described what I want women to know.

“Your body is a billboard. What you tell people by what you wear is what you will end up getting in return.”

Ladies….do you think you are not respected by men? Look at your wardrobe. If you are wearing revealing clothes, you leave nothing to the imagination.

Men..correct me if I am wrong, but a woman who “flaunts it all” isn’t as appealing as a woman who covers up, but still dresses nice, right? The men I’ve talked to think a woman who is modest (not prude) is “sexy” because of her confidence in who she is as a Child of God, not her physical appearance.

1 Timothy 2:9-10 (NASB) speaks to this with regard to women. Timothy says:

  ⁹ Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, ¹⁰ but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.

Another word for “discreetly” is TASTEFUL. Some synonyms for tasteful (if you still aren’t seeing it) are CLASSY, FINE, ELEGANT. Classy is another great word.

 I really don’t think Timothy is telling women they can’t braid their hair or wear jewelry, I think he is saying to not have that be your only value. Christ’s love can shine through the best cosmetics and prettiest jewelry.

Women of God do not have the need to dress to attract attention. The Light of Jesus will do that all on its own.

I keep harping on this subject because I see so many women dress trashy, thinking they will somehow attract men. Or they think they look good. I don’t even mean trashy in the sense of the girls who are in the club (although I wouldn’t be caught dead in those clothes!).. women who dress for the professional environment can be inappropriate in their clothing choices.

Alright.. the soap box is over with for the evening.

Ladies – keep this thought in your mind when you are getting dressed –  

Would I appear before Jesus wearing these clothes?

Would I feel embarrassed because: the neckline is too low; the skirt is too shirt; the shirt is too tight; there is anything too revealing in any way (about this outfit)?

If these answer to either or both of these questions is “YES,” then it might be time for a shopping trip.

RENEW Your Mind

I've seen it so many times. That longing look when she watches him walk away, or the look of devastation on his face if she is talking to another man. I've seen that look on the faces of friends, and I've seen it in the mirror, so I know it well.

The invisible relationship, the one that plays out in the mind instead of real life is dangerous. I think it is the most dangerous relationship, because you invent things about a person that most likely will not translate to real life. Then the disappointment sets in, once you realize they aren't who you think they are.

I did that when I was a teenager.. First 'love,' but the better word is crush. We sent tapes (yes, cassette tapes) back and forth and wrote letters- real ones, not email. Then, I saw him with another girl and it broke my heart. I still imagined something between us, but knew it could never be. Part of me today thinks if he ever came back into my life... Maybe.. But then my head gets screwed back on straight and I look reality in the face and go on with my life, reminding myself that it is HE who missed out, not me. I'm the one he passed up, and the one he will forever wonder about.

That is a thought process that can be applied to any situation. It doesn't mean I think I'm better than any other woman, it just means I don't dwell on the "why didn't he want me??" thought of self-pity. I do know there is someone just right out there that God has deemed worthy of me, and one day He will bring us together. For now though, I choose to keep my mind locked into where it needs to be, not where it wants to wander.

Romans 12:2 (NASB)

² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

The Proverbial Woman

I had something else ready for a posting, but wanted to discuss this a little, since the problem is all over the place. I just read an article that discussed dressing “sexy.” The author was a 43 year old woman with a 10 month old. Many of us have problems losing baby weight, and it does get harder the older you get.

I like what this lady was talking about, because I have also felt the pressure of skinny jeans, miniskirts and toothpicks that walk around calling themselves sexy. (Sorry, skin stretched tightly over every bone is NOT attractive.) Anyway, she goes on to say something I’ve thought for years. You can call me old-fashioned, prude or whatever, but there has to be MYSTERY involved. Showing what you got (LADIES) is vulgar. Keep the skin exposure to a minimum, and find you will attract the right kind of guy, not the one who thinks you are easy because you are dressed like a floozy. Ladies, when you are able to fall out of your shirt every time you lean over, you could stand to throw another shirt on. Or change shirts altogether.

I’ve seen a lot of women in a professional environment dress inappropriately for office work as well. In my opinion, it is a little difficult to maintain a respectable reputation when everyone sees you dressing skimpily… or ready to go on to that questionable second job after your professional day is done, if you know what I mean.

I think I would rather be called a prude because I don’t (un)dress for work or when I’m out. The times I go out dancing, I dress modestly compared to many of the girls in the clubs.

Young girls (or ladies of any age, I guess)… there is NO NEED to wear skimpy clothes to be thought attractive. You are beautiful as you. No guy worth his salt is going to pay attention to you if you look like you are making a huge effort to attract EVERY guy who crosses your path. Yeah, it may take a little longer, but the one who makes the effort will be the one worth it. He will also appreciate that you do not dress inappropriately, and will most likely find that a very attractive attribute. I can think of many young ladies who fit this description. Unfortunately, I can also think of many on the other side of that coin, who dress in appropriately.

Check out Proverbs 31 again… see what the ideal woman is supposed to be like. Remind yourself of the things you should be doing. Want to leave a good impression?  I would follow this example.

Lead them (and a little transparency)

I was listening to a song this morning and the meaning of it hit me. You know how it is, right? You can hear a song one time, ten times or a hundred times, but it depends on where you are (spiritually, mentally and emotionally) when you HEAR it.  When you CONNECT. When you listen to the words and hear  the message you are finally getting.

This morning, that song was “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real (check out the video here). When I had listened to the song previously, I always thought it was about MY relationship with God. This morning, I realized it was about human relationships. Between spouses. Between parents and children. It is about the husband being the spiritual leader of the home, and how it is his responsibility to provide not only financial support but also emotional support. 

I started thinking, as I was listening to the words. There is so much distraction in the world today and it is very easy to get caught up in “MY BUSY LIFE” and I don’t pay attention to the one I love the most, the one I hurt the most.  You know, it hurts me when I think of the way I act towards my boy sometimes. He is the most precious thing in the world to me, and yet, I don’t always act that way. I think we all do this to the important people in our lives at one time or another. Thankfully, I have time to change this behavior on my part, so I don’t lose my boy when he becomes a teenager. I don’t want him thinking he can’t talk to me (preferably without lying though) or he can’t trust me. I want him to know there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him, and how he will never know how much I sacrifice for him even now.

Spend time with your loved ones. Lead them and show them you love them. Don’t make them search elsewhere for love – because it may just be the kind you don’t want them bringing home.  And for goodness sake – if you are single – don’t forget to do this when you get married!

Chorus (partial)

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love

Chasing things that I could give up

Guard Your Heart

What exactly does that mean to a single person? My visual mind says to build a brick wall, behind a heavy metal door locked with a huge padlock. Keep my heart guarded from the things of this world, and most of the people who would desire to cause harm to me. I don't mean to never let anyone close to you, but to use caution. It is so easy to have your heart broken by someone who did not have your best interests in mind. This is why God calls us to guard our hearts. As a matter of fact, GOD will do the guarding for us, if we let Him. ‘Be anxious for nothing’ (Phil. 4:6) is so hard for us. We want to be married, have children, a family of our own.

I've asked youth this question- and the people who date just to have a significant other. Why would you want to give your future spouse a bag of pieces leftover from the broken hearts you have suffered through the years? Wouldn't you want to give him/her your whole heart?
 
I don't advise being in serious relationship after serious relationship. You are not doing yourself good, nor the other person involved. If you have kids, it is SO important that those children are protected from their own heartbreak over a broken relationship. I've decided my son will not spend a significant amount of time with someone I am dating, especially not in the first 4-6 months. I want to make sure the relationship is real, and he would be someone I would be willing to spend the rest of my life with.  I do not want my son to get attached to every guy I know, because he does. He wants a ‘daddy’ so bad, and his 7 year old mind doesn’t grasp that God is his Daddy right now. God knows what we both are seeking. I know He will show me when the time is right.

I think it is nice that men want to befriend my boy, but I hope they understand why I won't allow it. I just cannot have him hurting over the guy who isn't there anymore. It is very easy to get attached to children and not their mom (or dad) - Jerry McGuire anyone? - then end up hurting the children more because that person they grew close to is now gone. It really isn't fair to the children, and anyone worth his/her salt will understand that.

When I feel it is not threatening to my mental, physical or emotional health, I will go out with a man a few times to see if he is who God wants me to continue to get to know. And believe me, I know! I was questioned by a man a few months ago as to whether or not I prayed before 'letting him go.' It is a CONSTANT state of prayer, especially when dealing with a man (or woman, depending on your gender). This one in particular was a possible threat to my mental and emotional health, and I felt it was best not to pursue anything further with him. He was quite upset and could not understand my decision to not pursue a relationship with him. He did not understand how his lack of boundaries and his obsessive behavior over my every move was disturbing.

So, I guarded my heart (and mind, if you must know).

Communicating in the “electronic” age

This post is inspired by an article I received via email earlier today. The article is mostly hanging men out to dry for 'E-Maintaining' women, either by text, email or social media. I completely agree with the article. On the flip side, there are women who are just as guilty, so don’t slam me on this. I also do not deal well with someone who will text me about 5 seconds after I call them to ask what I want. Really? You couldn’t just pick up the phone? (Caveat: @ work or otherwise busy might be excusable occasionally) 

MY (b/c it is my blog) problem with this is men who think it is okay to never call, that I will be satisfied with a text, email or facebook comment/like/poke from them. While I am comfortable in this electronic age, I prefer to be courted the old-fashioned way. If any man thinks I will respond to random texts that have no meaning, where they do not respond to questions, ask questions, or show ANY kind of interest, he’s crazy. I actually asked someone last week if he was the kind of guy who always texted, and never called. His response was that he was at work and would be made fun of if he was “caught talking to a girl.” Seriously? I’m not asking you to drop your life to call me right this second, but wanted to know if you make the effort to actually call women (and he still hasn't called, so I think I answered my own question??). I’ve dealt with too many men (boys) who will only text occasionally, but still get upset or act like a child when I don’t respond to their attempt at communication. Or he will say “but I AM talking to you.” Text, email and facebook don’t count, sweetie.

Yes, maybe I am ranting a little, but I honestly get tired of men who claim to make an effort and don’t actually do anything. I’m not a teenager. Asking me out on a text message will get a silent response. And teenage girls? You shouldn’t put up with that either. God put us on earth to honor each other, and in today’s world, that just doesn’t happen too often.

MEN…

Make an effort to appreciate the woman you are interested in. Don’t play games. Don’t expect her to respond favorably if the only attempt at communication you make is non-verbal. CALL her and ask her out. Show her you are interested. If she doesn’t live close (within an hour or so), show her you are interested by going to see her, or sending flowers or calling. Or something. Anything that says “you caught my eye and I want to know you better.”  I hate the rule of ‘wait X days before calling or you will appear too eager.’ Don’t stalk her, but follow-up. It really is okay to communicate via text/email/facebook, but don’t let that be the ONLY way you talk to her. Be honest. Don’t be intimidated by a woman who has an opinion or a brain. Open doors for her. Ask her opinion on things. Bring her flowers. Listen to her when she is talking. Notice her clothes/hair/manicure.. it makes her feel special.

WOMEN…

Don’t blow them off. If you aren’t interested, let the guy know – but gently. Don’t crush his spirit. He did try, you know. If you are interested, don’t play games with him. Answer the phone when he calls, or call him back within a reasonable amount of time (i.e. don’t wait a week). Don’t get hysterical if he doesn’t do things the way YOU think he should. People are different, that is what makes this world interesting. Don’t stalk him, trying to find out if he is interested in you, you will just scare him. Be yourself. Eat real food, not just salad. Don’t pretend to be interested in something because the guy is.. you will just look phony. Be honest. Don’t be afraid to be who you are, a woman with an opinion and a brain. Let a man open doors for you, it doesn’t mean you are weak; he is showing he can/will care for you. Listen to him when he talks.. if you shut him down from the beginning, you have no right to claim he won’t talk to you in the future. Thank him when he does something nice for you.

These are just a few things… I’m sure there are more bits of advice to offer. Anyone else want to chime in?

I PRAY FOR HIM

I thought about him again this morning and prayed. I asked God to bless him with a good day, for him to be safe, to focus where he should.  I asked that God put thoughts of me in his head, so that he would pray for me too. I already love him, this man I will marry. I love the person he is and the one he is constantly becoming.

I don’t live in the world of fantasy, I live in reality. I know there will be fights over really stupid things, and differences we will have to deal with, struggles that come along.

That being said.. I am a romantic. I’ve never truly been “in love.” I have had quite a few crushes, but I’ve been waiting for the right one to come along (so far, he hasn’t). I am convinced no obstacle will keep us apart, whether that be distance or other life circumstances. Why do I know these things? Because my God wants to give me the desires of my heart and my desire is to be married, and create a complete family. God knows this. He knows the deepest longing in my heart. Thankfully I am not willing to settle, not willing to just let any guy into my life and the life of my little guy. That guy I won't settle for would not be the right one for us.

I pray for him though. Whenever he crosses my mind during the day. I wonder what he is doing at that moment. I wonder if he is struggling and wish I could support him through it. I wonder if he is traveling, and wish I could be there with him to explore new places. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to come home at the end of the day to this man and be able to tell him the things I wish I could talk about, but that no one else would understand. This man will.. and if he doesn't, at least he will pretend well :)

These things may sound silly to some of you who have been through struggles in relationships, but they do not to me. I am excited to see where this road I am on leads, and what new things are in store. I'm not worried about tomorrow (for God is already there, right?) because it is all under control of the One who is greater than anything else in this world. And for now, HE is all I need. When I finally am with the man God created just for me, HE will sustain us through everything.

So for now, I. PRAY. For. Him.

Don't Give Up

"Don't Give Up" by Sanctus Real (2006)

I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

I think (myself included, if I am being honest) everyone lives for themselves. I mean, look at how rude we have gotten – as a whole – in society. People don’t send thank you notes anymore, they face book. People don’t RSVP to something (from a party to a wedding) and show up anyway, even though you haven’t planned for them. People cancel plans at the last minute because something better came along. Oh.. and don’t get me started on people who are chronically late. I had a friend in Nashville who couldn’t be on time to save her life.. She was never less than 2 hours late to everything. I remember being downtown one night waiting on her, and calling every 15 minutes to see where she was. I finally left… it was 3 hours later. (I think I was kind being that generous while she wasted my time) I think forgetting details of something is just as bad.. write them down, people! Doesn’t everyone have a smart-phone of some sort today? All of them come loaded with calendars, so put information into those things and set an alarm on it. Then you don’t forget where you are supposed to be. And please, don’t over-commit, “just in case.” That is just as annoying. (ALRIGHT, alright..I’m off the soapbox.)

[Chorus:]
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you

Can’t change a stubborn heart, huh? Since I have been writing this blog, people of all ages and stages in life have asked my thoughts on dating. I tell them there has to be a set of rules that are adhered to by both people involved in the relationship. If there is even the slightest unbalance, then the relationship will crumble. I’m talking about specific things that are important to both partners: sex before marriage, alcohol/drug consumption, children, religious background, and political views and so on. Not that everything has to be perfect,, BUT.. if I meet a guy who doesn’t want children, but tells me he does (you know, cause of the child I already have) and we fall in love and get married – then what? He ignores my son? Treats him badly? That is a complete deal-breaker for me. I can handle someone having different political views as long as he doesn’t put mine down or belittle my opinions. That is just childish.

Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?

Sometimes we have to lose it all to realize the problem really might be within ourselves.

[Chorus:]

Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is

I see too many people who live like this. You see it in the Hollywood tabloids all the time. Brad Paisley even sings about it. I know people who walk away from a marriage because they refuse to give in, and some people just are not capable of giving of themselves.

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
Don't give up on love

God doesn’t want us to give up on love because we have been hurt, abandoned, abused or whatever has happened in the past. Yes, some things need recovery time, but that doesn’t mean you view every member of the opposite sex as evil. Nothing irritates me more than being lumped in with women who are bad to their men. Not all women are bad! The men who view all women as evil and vile are just as immature as the women who do the same to men. Not every person is bad. Yes, there are many bad apples out there, but not all women/men are bad because of one (or more) experience(s) with a bad one.

My point is, don’t give up. There is most likely someone out there for you, unless God has called you to be single. No matter what He wants from you in your life, at this point in time, if you are single, then that is where you are supposed to be. It doesn’t matter what your aunt’s cousin’s brother’s sister-in-law’s mom said about you finding a spouse and settling down with the white picket fence and 2.5 kids.

Where you are currently is okay. It’s okay with God and it should be okay with you. If it isn’t, then pray about it and see where God is taking you.



He hem…. I want to interrupt this song for a moment and discuss what we see all around us these days. Marriage and divorce, both out of convenience or misery, depending on how you look at it. This is not how God intended marriage to be. Marriage born out of lust then shattered when one or both partners find another object to lust after, then they divorce. OR someone gets bored. Or one of the partners decides they don’t want to be a parent anymore. There are so many reasons for divorce these days… what exactly are “irreconcilable differences” anyway?

God is....

This last week has been interesting, stressful and tiresome. Add on the responsibilities I have outside of work and sometimes it just gets overwhelming. I’ve often wondered why people don’t believe in God. I wonder why they can’t look around them and see all of these wonderful things, and want to know how they came to be. I have a beautiful view from my bedroom window. I can see Pikes Peak, and I especially love it in the winter, when the top is covered in snow. During the Balloon Classic, it is so nice to see all of those colorful shapes against the backdrop of this majestic mountain range, with Pikes Peak taking front and center. I just don’t understand when people say they have no belief in God.

Maybe it is because I was raised in church. I’ve turned from God several times over the course of my life, but something has always brought me back. I’ve questioned Him on why things are, why I make the decisions I make, why I am where I am in life. I know all things work together for good, but sometimes I just want to know WHY!?!?

I usually don’t get an answer when I demand one. And yes, typically, I demand the answer. I am impatient enough that I don’t like to wait for an answer, even though it is typically there. Or will be, if I would just wait for it. Sometimes, when I get that answer,  I laugh at myself. If I had just been patient, I would have had so much less stress in my world.

This is where I am with wondering about my future husband. I’ve been told to lower my standards, change my path, do something different and so on. It isn’t what I feel like I’m supposed to be doing, because I know God has something big planned for my life.

Don’t choose a path without God. Life is hard enough as it is. Choosing God doesn’t mean life will be simple or easy, but you will be able to handle all of the problems that come up so much easier. Even when looking for your mate.

Psalm 53 (NASB)

¹ The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God,”
They are corrupt, and have committed abominable injustice;
There is no one who does good.
² God has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men
To see if there is anyone who understands,
Who seeks after God.
³ Every one of them has turned aside; together they have become corrupt;
There is no one who does good, not even one.

Broken roads and lost sheep

There is a song I love... Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts. Now, their version was about finding your love. Many country and Christian artists have covered the song, and it is still wonderful. I personally like the Rascal Flatts version, but only because I like them. (And if you haven't noticed by now, I love music... the words in the songs I talk about speak to me)

 

I can correlate this to what the Bible says about the

 Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to younarrow path. If we can't find our way to Jesus, then what is the point in trying to love another person? Being in love with Jesus is the ultimate relationship.
So many don't understand this. Heck, half the time I don't understand it. But I try. I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you 

We try to replace the love we are supposed to have for our Creator with a person. It doesn’t work so well and I am just as guilty of this as the next person. I haven’t dated anyone seriously in three years. Sometimes I wonder why, or what is so wrong with me. And then I remember that there is nothing wrong with me. My Jesus is there, no matter what. He is enough for me, even when I want more. I just have to reign myself in and not get so caught up in my emotions. 

 I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

I love this verse. So much time I wasted, doing stupid things and being around people I had no business being around. Jesus was ALWAYS there.. He never left my side, even when I was running away. Just like the prodigal son or a lost sheep, Jesus is there. He will never fail me, even when others will. Or when I let myself down. 
  Just like the lost sheep, Jesus is looking for you, waiting for you. If you have walked away from Him, He is waiting. You don't need to fix yourself or 'get right' before you come to Jesus. He takes you just as you are.
 

Needs and Wants

I need to win the lottery so I can be a stay at home mom and home school my child like he wants. In all honesty, I would probably hire a tutor because I don’t imagine I have the patience needed to home school him…and I really, really suck at math. We would get to the stuff that has numbers and letters together and I would just look at him and be honest… “Unless you are going to be an engineer, you will NEVER use this stuff…so let’s skip it.” I’m sure he would be delighted.

I want to dance with the man I’m going to marry.. just gonna call him my husband. I love dancing – the kind that is classy, not the ‘shake your rear, dirty dancing’ stuff you see today. Two-step, waltz, cha cha, swing, ballroom. You name it, I love it. I want to dance with him to this particular song that I love right now..  And no, I’m not telling what it is, simply because I won’t.

I want land to build a house on, and put in a greenhouse so I can have fresh veggies year round.

I want horses to ride on my land.

I want to travel more often. I want to go back to Italy.

I need to be the mom my son deserves.

I feel a strong need to take care of someone, a family.

I want to grow old with my husband.

I want to cook for more than two people, one of whom complains regularly that he doesn’t like what I’ve made. Til I make him try it. Or I let him use some kind of condiment on it. (Mustard on green beans? Sure.. if you actually eat what I’ve slaved over to provide you with nourishment so you can grow into a larger person who will complain about and then eat more of what you don’t like).

I want my boy to grow up and be strong for the Lord, to lead his own household someday.

Most of all, I feel the deep desire to be loved for who I am. To be understood completely by someone who will listen to me rant then make me laugh because it really is ridiculous to be upset over __________.

Matthew 6:25-27  (NASB)

²⁵ “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? ²⁷ And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

I am worth more than the birds of the air. God may not give me every little want and desire that I have, but He will provide exactly what I need.  And maybe even fulfill some of those ‘wants’ along the way.

Staying Focused

I find that if I lose my focus, I get all kinds of out of whack. The devil starts to get his claws into my mind, where I begin to think too much about what I don't have. If I start doing that, I start getting overly emotional.
 
Yes, I tend to let my emotions run amuck. I get sad and jealous, angry and hurt. I do not, however, live this way as a constant state of being. I am human after all, and female. So my emotional side gets me a lot more often. I just have to remain on guard and make every attempt to stay focused, and trust Jesus that the devil will not get too strong of a hold. The devil is pretty easy to get rid of, once focused. However, he is persistent and comes back often and quickly.

People mean well, but when they don’t know you all that well or see your everyday life, it is hard for them to not grab onto one thing and say that is a constant state of being. I want make clear to anyone who doesn’t understand or know or who has misunderstood something I have said…..

I am not sad or depressed because I am single.  I am happy to be able to live and do without having to “check with” someone else (even if I do want that at some point.)

I am not jealous of anyone who is married and has been that way. I just get tired of their attempts to placate me (Not all do this, but don’t tell me some silly saying because you are blissfully married and I am not).

I am not angry at or because of, my situation. I am generally happy because I have nothing to complain about…compared to the majority. I do want to do better at many things, but who doesn’t seek improvement in their life?

Psalm 119:14-16  (NASB)

¹⁴ I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
¹⁵ I will meditate on Your precepts
And regard Your ways.
¹⁶ I shall delight in Your statutes;
I shall not forget Your word.

And so I shall continue on this road of singleness until my Jesus brings into my life that man I will marry. I will get overly emotional and may even cry sometimes about it, but I won’t dwell there. I will “pitch my fit” and move on, because that is what I do. And just because I want to talk about what is going on in my life doesn’t always mean I want advice. Sometimes I just want to vent. And for the doubters out there…. I. AM. OKAY.

Burdens and Loneliness

Matthew 11:28 (NASB)

²⁸ “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Do you have days that you feel like you can’t lift your head? I do. I’m not depressed or anything that extreme. There are just times I am so tired, and tired of dealing with “life” that I just want to lay in bed all day. Granted, I honestly can’t do that, because I always think of things I need to do. I feel like I never just “rest” in my Lord. To be frank, I probably don’t. My mind is constantly going with things I would like to be doing, or things I need to do, or things I have to do.. that I really don’t want to do.

On the other side of my burdens, is this constant ‘lonely’ feeling. I fight it daily. Sometimes it gets overwhelming to the point that I’m either crying or complaining to friends.. who then wonder where the real Julie is. J

Just last night I was driving to meet a friend from out of town for dinner. I find it is easy to talk to God when I’m driving, so I stick my earbud in so I don’t look completely crazy and start talking. I talk about how lonely I get, and please fill me with your Spirit so I don’t do something stupid because I am lonely. I tell Him I’m mad because I am almost 37 and not married and how one sister has been married almost 10 years and the other will celebrate 8 years this year. I tell Him I think I should not have to wait any longer and could I please (yes, begging..don’t know how well it works- so far, not so well) have a boyfriend to celebrate my birthday/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years/Valentines Day and the rest of my life with? No? Ok, well, I’ll still wait on Your best. But it really does get old trying to find friends who aren’t busy that I can enjoy being around to do things with. I tell Him it would surely be nice to automatically have a date to any and every event. I also tell Him how I would love for my son to finally have the father he is longing for.

But.. someday. He knows what I’m looking for, and better yet, He knows what I (we) NEED. Because He knows me inside and out, better than I know myself. I lie to myself about things, you know. God knows this, and knows why and what it is I’m trying to hide from.

This video is an older song by Michael W. Smith. I love it..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAzweSosz3U

Get out of the way....

Jeremiah 29:11  (NASB)

¹¹ For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

I love this verse. It is what I repeat to myself when the world is crashing around my ears. Or when I try to take over my life from God, because I. KNOW. BETTER.

 Um, what?

 It’s more like… “Get out of My way, Julie. I know what I have planned for you, and if you would stop trying to rule your life, I would show you what it is.”

And that’s the truth. God doesn’t make things happen to us because He enjoys seeing us in pain. He lets us make choices (free will) so that we can turn to Him when we have messed things up and are at our weakest and most vulnerable. And THEN…

He blesses us.

At least, He does for me. I’m sure He does for you too.. see through your pain to find those blessings.

Most of the time I find I am too stubborn to accept that His way is better. So I repeat mistakes over and over, never learning. Someday I hope to break this cycle, if I could just realize the potential of my life while completely trusting God.

Side note****

My trust in God is not lacking, before you think along that route. I am involved in the process of breaking the chains of my past, of the things that happened in my life where trust has been a major factor.  I have to get past myself in all of that and focus on God, and then freedom comes.

Purity...

Psalm 119:9  (NASB)

 How can a young man keep his way pure?
By keeping it according to Your word.

What do you think of when you hear “purity”? It is quite the opposite of what the world’s standard is today. Purity is basically trying to live right (i.e. God’s way) while surrounded by wickedness, or impurity. It is everywhere you go. There are no longer magazine or television ads we can view without some sort of impurity. Movies are getting really racy with their characters. TV shows are nearly as bad as movies anymore.

What does God demand of us with this? Two examples in the New Testament.

Romans 14:21  (NASB)
It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles.

1 Corinthians 8:13  (NASB)
Therefore, if food causes my brother to stumble, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause my brother to stumble.

Now, to clarify this, God is not saying do not eat meat or drink wine. He is saying that if doing these things… or anything… causes your brother or sister (friend, family, co-worker) to stumble, then do not do it in their presence. I have a friend who does not drink at all. I occasionally have a glass of wine. I will not drink in front of her because I do not want to offend her. This is how we help each other with our weaknesses.

A potential partner will do the same. If you have a problem in a certain area of your life, he or she should not encourage you to partake in that area, and he or she will also respect your decision and not partake as well. It can be anything you have been convicted of. My personal conviction at this time is to not date until I find the one God tells me I will marry. I have further convictions than that within a relationship, but those are for me and my future husband to discuss. Perhaps you will hear about them when the time is right. J

By the way, I wanted to say that last week I was told by an old friend I should lower my standards. He just does not understand that what God wants for me requires high standards. Don’t let anyone tell you that… and if they do, don’t believe them. KEEP GOD'S WORD, and you will NEVER go wrong.